Positive Labelling...

Yet again, I begin a post by apologising for taking so long to write anything.

It's so easy to blame everyone else - but the truth is that things have been going so well recently that my fear is that I may appear to be gloating and, even worse, I may jinx myself and upset the equilibrium.

But here goes!

I'm going to focus today's post on our youngest son.

TJ has had such a difficult few months. Firstly he had his diagnosis for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, which hit him really hard and this was followed by a full post adoption assessment (something which is available to all adopted children, but is rarely offered as its expensive - so adoptive parents, if you haven't been offered one, just ask, the authority can use the Adoption Support Fund to pay for it, so it shouldn't cost them anything.) Anyway, TJ had a full assessment which revealed the depth of his ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) - obviously every child is unique and TJ's main area of concern was his ability to read social cues etc. We had always put it down to his unique way of looking at the world and potential Attachment Disorder - yes, he has that one as well. By the end of the assessment he had so many letters attributed to his many diagnosis that he started to look like a Countdown Conundrum. At first I was mortified. Yes, we had always expected these things, but to have someone sit down and explain everything to you is a very different matter. I then went away and read everything they recommended, another reason I haven't had a lot of time to write - I've been reading lots. And, the more I read, the more I kick myself, thinking how did we miss this?

Well, we missed it because we weren't looking for it or we didn't want to see it or maybe we knew but were in denial? So many possibilities.  Maybe we were simply avoiding the dreaded labels.

But the one thing labelling TJ's foibles has done, has been to open so many doors to him. Particularly with education.

He was accepted into a specialist school and, whilst to begin with we were concerned as to how he would fit in - it hasn't bothered him a bit. He loves it. He has even talked about his learning difficulties and how the school are helping him.

Yes, its very like a primary school in its outlook, but he is so less stressed. I haven't had a single day of school refusal - yet (touch wood). He is up every morning, with his uniform on and ready to go. He loves maths, science and forestry... I didn't even know forestry was a thing! He has made friends and has even been invited to a party. I can honestly say that he is a different little boy.

He still swears at me on a regular basis (I blame the FAS) and he still has his stubborn moments - like refusing to leave the house for my birthday dinner as he had a TV programme to watch and was already in his pyjamas. But these are little things that pale into comparison with what we were dealing with before and to be honest, I can sit back and laugh at them.

I can breathe again.

The house is so less stressful, Papa is calmer, I'm calmer and this boys actually seem to get on (most of the time)...

Tomorrow, I'll tell you all about KC.

Two positive posts in two days - how will you cope! :>

A good week!

Sometimes it feels like the only things I ever record on my blog are the negative moments - the issues etc.

And... of course, there are many but there are also many joys to adoption and to parenting in general, although they don't get as many readers oddly enough. :>

Sometimes  have to remind myself that I'm not writing a misery memoir!

But this has been a good week. I've been filling out school forms for both boys - they both have been accepted into specialist schools, albeit different ones and, as both boys have a special needs plan (EHC) they qualify for transport to and from their schools - so the school run won't be as complex as I originally feared - especially as the schools are around 10 miles apart from each other.

This weekend was my Grandmother's 95th birthday and we went along with the whole family to celebrate with her. It was lovely to see everyone and also to see how easily our boys slotted straight in with their cousins and my cousins and the cousins once removed and... well, you get the point. There were so many children that at one point we did consider playing a game of 'match the children to their parents' - just to see if anyone could remember which child belonged to whom.

TJ didn't like all the noise and was terrified that he was going to have to hug lots of people, so he went and sat outside and listened to his music in a quiet corner - but he knew that his safe place and he seemed quite happy. Later when the children all raced outside to play football in the grounds of my Nan's care home - he was in there with the rest of them.

KC, being the eldest great grandchild, was relishing the role of being 'looked up' to by the other children - literally as he is so tall now. He was the King of Cool to them - and boy, did he know it.

So we are now entering the summer holidays and now that we know exactly what's happening come September, I think we can allow ourselves to enjoy the time together - before KC becomes too cool to hang out with his dads. I don't think that is far off now.

But for now, we shall just sit back and breathe!!!!!!

Just when you thought it was safe...

So my positive post from last week has gone 'tits up' - to quote someone or something.

Last week we were happy in our new school bubble. A week later its over - excluded and no longer funded. KC is showing signs of depression and has been self harming. He has already asked me why we bothered adopting him - after all, he says no-one really wanted him in the first place, we should have just left him where he was. It was after he said that that I noticed the marks on the backs of his hands and up his arms - scratched he had been making with the blade he removed from a pencil sharpener. Great.

Then yesterday came the news he had been excluded from school pending an investigation - an investigation into the type of event I had been warning both school and social services could happen at any time - given the poor boy's past abuse.

But now it has happened and I'm lucky we have a great relationship with our post adoption social worker (I know some of you reading this will be pointing out that I'm lucky to even have a post adoption social worker). But I can't fault her, within 24 hours of my calling her she had therapy in place and fully funded, ready to go. Her advice was the same as before, which the SEN team ignored, take KC out of school for a while, let him undergo some serious therapy - school can wait. He can't learn if his head is full of his other stuff anyway - he needs to clear his mind then focus on studying.

There is an obsession to keep kids in school whether it is good for their well being or not - and in this case it wasn't just KC that ended up damaged, but other children as well. I am no doubt going to have social services on my back and the SEN team around my house as my son is categorised as a 'child missing education' but I'll fight for him - he won't go back into a school situation until they fully recognise his behavioural needs as well as his learning needs - he needs to be seen as a whole person, not just a funding requirement.

But my youngest is happy enough - although he begins testing for his needs at the end of next month - but for the time being we will just focus on KC and let TJ trudge along - then we can swap over afterward I hope.

To say I'm exhausted is an understatement.

It was my birthday yesterday - so I chose not to take the exclusion personally and just got on with having a nice meal in our local pizza restaurant (the boy's choice of course!!!!).

Onwards and upwards...

How can they forget Father's Day - They have 2 Dads!!!!!!!!!

It's not that I'm bitter, and it didn't really come as any surprise - but I've been dropping hints all week - so how could they forget?

But then again, maybe it's karma - the universe is taking revenge on me for all those times I would forget Father's Day, only to be met with a sad, knowing smile and a nod from my own dear, departed Dad.

I could explain it away by pointing out that maybe they needed to forget - perhaps the notion of any kind of parent is too much for them, after all they didn't ask to be adopted and adoption raises so many issues for children - are they really going to be staying forever? Will we eventually let them down? KC even informed me earlier in the week that he would be going to live with his best friend's parents as they liked him and would probably buy him the new bike he wants... I didn't fall for that one, after all there's nothing wrong with the bike he has.

I could hypothesise that they really don't want to be our kids - which is why they 'chose' to forget. They want us to reject them (actually, now that I've written that the rejection thing seems highly likely). After all, if we reject them that proves their own feelings of self rejection... they don't deserve to be loved.

TJ came and told me it was my fault he forgot Father's Day as I didn't take him shopping. Although I pointed to the new trainers on his feet and reminded him that we had only been in the local shopping centre three days ago buying him the trainers he wanted for sports day. (And he still didn't win - but third place is a respectable placing, so we can let that go.)

I used to tell my Dad that Father's Day was a Hallmark holiday - invented to sell more greetings cards and tatty gifts. My Dad used to nod and smile and tell me that one day i would be a Dad too - now I know how he felt.... sorry, Dad...

So after lunch both boys rushed upstairs and within 10 minutes we were presented with a couple of hastily written cards (well pieces of paper) and two unwanted cuddly toys wrapped in plastic bags... I can't even give them marks for trying... but I can nod and smile and remind them that one day, they will be fathers too..

But, until then, Father's Day may indeed be a Hallmark holiday - but it's still a good excuse to open the bottle of champagne we were given last month!

Cheers!

Happy Father's Day!!!!!!!!!

Why Did You Choose Us?

That was the question I was confronted with in the car today on the way home from school.

I often wonder why these conversations always seem to happen on the move, I guess it's simply because we are in an enclosed space, with nothing else to do. I looked out of the window pretending to see where we were going.

'Don't do that,' KC said, 'don't try and avoid the question... I'm asking you a question. Why did you choose us?'

'Well,' I started, ' we looked at profiles of lots of children, ' (I wasn't going to tell him we spent nearly two years ploughing through profiles, that we had three failed matches and that their profiles were our last attempt at the whole adoption thing).

'When I saw your pictures then I knew you would be our children,' I stopped him from speaking, 'I can't explain it, but when I saw you and your brother's photo I just knew it was right.'

I expected that to be the end of it. But no.

'But why have children, why adopt?' I looked at him. Had he heard the countless arguments where we had asked ourselves that very question. The times we had nearly given up, the times when it really didn't seem worth it. Of course, we came through that phase, but what parent doesn't occasionally miss their years of pre child freedom, although you cannot underestimate the pressure that adoption places upon a couple, upon a family.

'I mean, adopting children is hard work,' he went on, ''Normal kids (his words, not mine) don't go to therapy, they don't cause as much trouble, they don't get angry and break things, they don't make their parents quit their jobs. You gave up everything to be our dad,' he said, 'Why did you do that. You love acting why did you stop?'

If I wasn't driving I would have burst into tears, purely at the depth at which he had obviously been thinking about all this. I wondered how long he had been playing with these ideas.

'but, we have you,' I said, 'Yes, it can be tough and yes we do have our problems, but all families have problems at some point. We just have to remember to be able to talk about them.'

'I want to look at the picture,' he said.

I looked at him.

'The picture in the magazine that made you choose us,' he went on, 'I want to see it. I want to see what you saw.'

'Ok,' I said, 'I have it still. You can see.'

He nodded. We came home.

He walked through the door.

'Let me know whrn you want to see the photo,' I said.

'It's alright,' he replied, 'I don't really want to see it."

He then rushed on out to the park to play football with his brother.

I sat down and wrote this.... My therapy.

We're Giving Up What for Lent!!!!!!!?????

That was the response I got from both boys when I informed them last night that we wouldn't be having dessert at dinner as we were giving it up for Lent.

"Why", KC asked, "Why do we have to give anything up?"
"Because Jesus did," I replied.
"He gave up his desserts?" asked TJ incredulously.
"No, he gave up all food and went into the desert for 40days and nights," I said.
"So he didn't give up his dessert then?" TJ looked confused.
The penny dropped,
"Not dessert - he went into the desert, its an entirely different thing." I told him.

"So why do we have to give anything up?" said KC - he is rapidly sounding less like a 9 year old and more like Kevin the Teenager, Harry Enfield's comic character from the 80's (that ages me!)

"Well,' I said desperately trying to justify my sudden decision - which to be honest, was based purely on the fact that I haven't been shopping since we came home and I had been listening to Radio 4 about the perils of sugar in a child's diet - hence my snap decision to give up dessert for Lent. "Well, Jesus gave it up so he could be at one with God."

I felt my Sunday school teacher (and my Mum) might be pleased with this answer.

"Why didn't he just go to church?" came the reply, "Why did he give up everything and go into the dessert."

"Desert," I corrected him. "Because its in the Bible and we had pancakes yesterday which means Lent starts today.

"What's Lent," TJ asked.

"Its where we have to give up dessert because Daddy's too lazy to make anything," his brother told him.

"There's plenty of fruit," I said, luckily Abel and Cole had delivered as usual that week (I know its horribly middle class to use them but thank goodness we had or we would have all starved - which is probably more in line with the original meanings behind Lent)

"We don't want fruit!" they both cried in unison.

"Well, thats all there is." I told them in my 'kind but firm voice'.

KC looked at his brother, "Ive got a packet of sweets under my bed," he said, "Do you want to share them?"

"Yay," cried TJ," and the two of them skipped upstairs.

I don't know whether to be proud that they are sharing (for once) or annoyed because they have blatantly disregarded me... I guess I'll just pour a glass of red - I'm definately not giving that up for Lent!

An 'Inspirational Post' for LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week

When I was asked to contribute to the BAAF blogpost for LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week, I was also asked if I could make it ‘inspirational’ – “No problem,” I said, “If you need an inspirational piece about being a gay parent then I’m your man!”

Then I sat down to write. But as soon as I sat at the keyboard my youngest son, TJ, decided that now was a good time to tell me that he needed an alien costume for school – tomorrow! Of course, he hadn’t told me when school did, two weeks ago, and, of course, he had lost the letter telling panicked parents exactly what the plans for ‘Alien Day’ were.

So I did what any good parent would do – I got on Facebook and messaged other parents at the school to find out what I needed to do.

“It can be anything, a robot, an alien, an astronaut – the theme is space and you can either rent a costume or make one – but there was a big ‘no’ if you thought you could simply paint your child’s face green and send them in ‘normal clothes – the school wants authenticity!”

I thought that if any alien came to Earth then surely they would do as much as possible to blend in and I was half tempted to send TJ to school in uniform with a note explaining our point of view… Or was I just being lazy?

So we pulled out cardboard boxes and tin foil, paper glue and toilet roll tubes – I felt like I was finally becoming the Blue Peter presenter I had always dreamed of being.

Two hours later my happy little boy was dressed as a cardboard robot and we had had a great time making it together.

Now I had to go back to writing this piece whilst he walked around me shouting ‘exterminate’ and zapping the unsuspecting dog with his ‘laser gun’ (A toilet roll with a lolly stick as a handle).

I couldn’t help but smile at him and at the joy on his face.

And that was my inspiration for this piece.

Gay parenting is no different to parenting. You will experience the same highs, the same lows – yes, adopted children have many more issues but they also bring as much joy.

Don’t be afraid of being a parent. There will be curious stares at the school gate, particularly if, like us, you don’t live in London, there will be difficult conversations about why you are not married to a woman and asking if you and Papa are brothers. You will have all that and my advice is always to be honest, if they are old enough to ask then they are old enough to be told the truth.

But at the end of the day (a horrid cliché I know) it’s the actual having of a family that is the inspiration and I can only hope that by raising awareness of LGBT Adoption and Fostering that more children will be brought into safe, loving, homes where they can experience something that every child has a right to – a loving family.

I hope that’s inspirational enough!

Fisrt published on the BAAF Website : http://www.baaf.org.uk/blog/inspirational-post

Papa's Big Day

Yesterday was Papa's birthday.

And, as every year, he took the day off work. Papa has a very stressful job so the boys and I had planned a nice breakfast followed by them going to school and then Papa and I having a nice lunch together and then taking the boys out for burgers (a treat) in the evening before KC has his drama lesson - with the impossibly cheerful drama teacher.

However, things are really stressful at work for Papa at the moment so he threw a spanner into our carefully planned morning by announcing that he wanted to get some work finished so he could enjoy the rest of the day.

The boys were a bit disappointed but I told them we could give presents and cards later when Papa had his cake (which I hadn't actually made yet). So KC went and gave Papa a hug and kiss and wished him Happy Birthday by performing a birthday dance he had been practising (it was very sweet). Then he went off to school.

TJ then decided that he wanted to wish Papa a happy birthday - so he went into the sitting room where Papa was working and saw that the lamp was on - TJ knows that Papa hates wasting electricity so he duly switched the lamp off at the main switch by the wall.

It was then that I saw the colour drain out of Papa's face as he stared at his laptop... TJ had turned off the internet router... Papa whispered, "I've lost eveything" as TJ cried, "Happy Birthday!!!!!" and jumped onto Papa's head.

Papa was now turning a shade of crimson so I decided that it might be best if TJ and I went to school early. TJ took the hint and we were at school before the gates even opened. Then I took the dog for a long, long walk before going home to see if Papa was ok - and had managed to finish off the rest of his work.

I came back and Papa decided we were going out and as it was his day he didn't want to do any of the things I had planned... like looking for a new family car (boring) or going to Ikea (also dull) - I know it not exactly birthday mayhem but how often do I have Papa to myself without the kids? - and taking the boys to either of those places is hell - last time we went to a car showroom KC set off loads of car alarms - he was trying all the car doors to see if he could sit behind the wheel - even the ones of cars that were not for sale. And Ikea - well, that's a nightmare - TJ climbed into a cupboard once to see if he could find Narnia (I blame my Mum for letting them watch the movies). It took us ages to find him and when we did he popped out shouting 'But I've only been gone a few seconds!..... much to the 'delight' of the store staff.

Still, it was Papa's day so we did what he loves - we went shopping for clothes! Clothes for him - not baby gap, or kiddy Next, or Junior John Lewis - No, proper grown up stores where people talk to you and not to your children. Proper stores where you get time to try on clothes without little boys shouting that they are bored or pulling the arms off a mannequin... that's happened...

For just one afternoon we were proper adults again - shopping, lunching and going to the toilet without having little ones running behind you playing with hand dryers whilst you try to 'go'...

Being a parent means you never take the little things in life for granted...

But it was lovely to go out as a family that evening and just eat junk food and then watch Papa blow out the candles on the enormous banana and walnut cake I made for him... its his favourite!

New Year - Old Dad!

Well, its seems ages since I last posted anything - I think Christmas took over. Then we had no power over the festive season so we took off to see Granny and used her power instead.

But today saw the boys going back to school - and they were keen to go.

The Sprog (who has decided he is too old to be called a Sprog and would prefer to be known as KC - how many more name changes?) was so excited that he went to bed early last night.

He has to get up pretty early in order to catch his school bus and sure enough he was up on time this morning. His brother (who still wants to remain as TJ) has to come with us in the car - although often he is in his pyjamas as he has to be dragged out of bed. But this morning, he too was up bright and early - we are lucky to be able to walk to TJ's school which saves a lot of hassle.

Anyway, we braved the wind and the rain and set off for the bus stop in the car. We arrived on time and waited in the local pub's car park - a strange place for a school pick up point, but there you go.

We waited for ten minutes but still no sign of the bus.

'Maybe we missed it," TJ offered.

"Maybe its late as everyone has so much stuff to carry," I replied looking at the piles of bags that KC had with him.

"Maybe the driver is sick." said KC (it will take a while to get used to that)

Luckily I had the driver's number in my phone. Unluckily my phone was on the kitchen table. Papa always moans that I never have my mobile on me - 'What's the point of having it if you only use it at home!" he cries...

We waited until nearly 8am when I decided that we had to get back to get TJ to school. So I turned around and came home. We would take KC to school after TJ was safely in - I would go in and explain to the teacher why KC was late and give the driver a piece of my mind.

I then decided to call the driver - I rang his number and it was picked up by an obviously bleary man. 'Where are you?" I asked.

"I'm in bed," he replied sleepily.

I was mortified. "I'm so sorry," I said, "Are you ill?"

'No," he replied, "But its the last day of my holiday so I'm having a lie in."

Right...  I didn't give my name as I put the phone down and looked at the school's newsletter.

There it was in black and white, KC doesn't go back to school until tomorrow.

TJ was now no longer happy about having to go to school... he moaned all the way there.

Still KC was happy and at least the Driver didn't know it was me, until KC remined me that he had a list of all the parents numbers and my number probably came up on his phone.

Oh well, I shall be apologising tomorrow and I'm sure we'll all laugh about it in years to come!

KC, seeing I was a bit upset by the events said, "Don't worry Daddy, you didn't make a mistake - we just had a rehearsal for tomorrow."

Now that's positive thinking!!!!!!!!

The Napoleon Complex....

This seems to be something our youngest son is currently suffering from.

As regular readers will know TJ has a condition known as Noonan's syndrome - in his case it primarily effects his size, so although he is 7 he is roughly the size of a 4 year old - which means that he can get away with an awful lot. Being little and cute and having the ability to turn on the tears at the drop of a hat certainly has its advantages!

I have been called into the school three times this week - last week, you may recall, my youngest was holding his teachers to ransom - he would only do the test required if he was allowed to build a castle out of boxes afterwards. Well, we had a long chat with him about respecting teachers and that he didn't make rules in school etc. I also spoke to his therapist who pointed out that it was much more about control - that as our youngest was now becoming more settled so he was trying to control the areas of his life that he felt he could - most children tend to do this through food, refusing to eat etc, TJ does it through bargaining and getting people (parents as well) to coax him into doing what they want - usually by bargaining with him and eventually giving him precisely what he wanted in the first place.

Control is a big thing for many children, but for those who have come through the care system and who have suffered severe abuse it takes on a different aspect. In their birth families they had no control of the horrors that were going on around them and often happening to them, in the care system they had no control as to where they went, who they lived with or for how long, they were always ready to be moved on. So now TJ is more settled he is trying to exert his own form of control. Last year he did it through self harming and now that we have worked our way through that he is doing it through will power - or the Napoleon Complex as we have knick named it, the need for this little man to control all those around him.

So in order to ensure that both the teachers and we as parents are using the same techniques I went into school and had a chat with the teacher. We put into place a 'smiley' face scheme. The aim is to ensure that he gets a smiley face at the end of each day - providing he does this he can go to his beloved football club as usual. Any misdemeanours and there will be no football that week. It sounds harsh but as TJ also has the ability to disassociate and can completely cut himself off from the outside world, particularly if its something that he doesn't like (again this is a defence mechanism learned whilst with his birth family) However, recently he has made some progress and now the only thing that really matters to him is football - if you took away anything else he wouldn't care - and the usual discipline tactics very rarely have any effect on him, he doesn't want reward stickers, he switches off of you shout at him... all he cares about is playing football. So, rather than simply rewarding good behaviour we now have to put into place consequences for poor behaviour. Let's hope this has an effect.... although I have just been told that he will probably score quite low on his recent SATS tests... I'm not that concerned about the actual test itself, personally I think its ridiculous that 7 year olds have to undergo test conditions... I am concerned that he simply refused to do many of them, especially the ones he didn't like... He simply sat there and told the teachers that he wouldn't be doing it and that was that. He didn't relent at one point and tried to get the teacher to let him 'only do half the test', luckily the teacher was having none of that and hence I was called in. So consequences have to be metered out I'm afraid... great...

This then leads us onto the area of parenting that I hate - that of being the 'bad guy'. TJ has already told me that he is looking forward to my death in order that he can then 'do what he likes'. I was prepared to be told the usual kid things; "I hate you," "I wish you were dead" etc at some point... but to be told by your youngest son that he is looking forward to your demise in such a calm and calculated manner puts the fear of God in me... But I shall still have to go ahead and cancel football club for him for this week - I have to stand by the threat and carry it through - or I will simply be giving him back the control he so desperately wants.... sometimes parenting seems so cruel...

On a more positive note both boys were with me yesterday when our new mattress was delivered. The delivery man was joking with them and then said, 'Who is this mattress for, you boys or your Mummy and Daddy?" To which Lea quickly replied, "We don't have a Mummy we have two Dads, and we are very lucky." The man looked at me and said, "Well, that told me didn't it?" he then smiled and said, That's one very bright little girl you have there." The children then raced up the stairs to show the men where to put the mattress.....

So we must be doing something right....