LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week - Thank You

Well, I've had my break and now its back to work.

And what a week to come back to work on - the launch of LGBT Fostering and Adoption Week which highlights the great work being done by groups such as New Family Social, BAAF and Adoption UK.

Coming back from Singapore, where being gay is still illegal and the idea of adoption by same sex couples a mere fantasy it seems strange to suddenly be over run with positive gay messages and stories of gay families.

It made me think how lucky we are - and that we should never take that for granted. Our children may not see themselves as lucky, after all why would they?- no child wants to be removed from their birth family, for whatever reason, no child wants to go into foster care and no child wants to wait for their forever family. It is we, the adults, who are the lucky ones. We have been able to adopt two amazing little boys and make them our own. we have been able to give them their forever home. After all, by the time they came to us they were considered 'unadoptable' by the social workers - they were both over 4 years old, both boys, both had suffered unspeakable abuse, both had different needs and they were a sibling pair.

Who would take that on?

Well, we did. There are times I think we must have been mad - but by struggling through the crazy world of adoption together we have become a strong family unit. Yes, there are times when the boys will say they hate me, or they want to live with another family, or they hate each other - its all documented here. But there are also times when we just sit together, when we are quiet and a little hand will put my arm around his shoulder so he can have a hug - he would never ask for a hug - but I know he needs it. It's moments like that that make everything worthwhile.

I can't help but think that the boys are lucky to live in a tolerant society whre they did get an opportunity to experience a family life - whatever that family make-up may be. If we hadn't been able to adopt them I think they would still be in foster care, actually I don't think it - I know it.

So thank you to everyone who fought to make LGBT adoption a reality in this country. I thank you and one day, our children will thank you - they may not realise it today but one day they will acknowledge that the alternative to 'having two dads' may just have been too awful for them to bear.

So, today I'll let them shout at me and 'hate' me for not letting them play their computer games at the breakfast table... but at the same time, I'll be thankful that I have the opportunity to experience the ups and downs of parenting.

And to anyone who is thinking of adopting - I strongly urge you to give it a go!

The Unexpected Post...

Today's post was supposed to be about the success of National Adoption Week, about the National Adoption Awards and the fun we had followed by a successful presentation to would be adopters with the LGBT group Spectrum at Barclays.

I say supposed to be...

As I was putting my notes together this morning there was knock at the door - the postman - he usually delivers the registered letters and parcels for everyone in the street to me, as I'm the only one at home all day. We joke that I run the sorting office for the entire street. Its not a funny joke but we make it every time.

But this time I had to sign for a letter for myself and Dylan (I'm using his name now - so he doesn't feel like chopped liver). I sat down and opened it and onto the kitchen counter fell a picture of a beautiful little girl. I then opened the rest of the letter. I didn't need to read it. I knew who it was.

It was the first picture we had seen of the boys' sister in nearly 5 years - the only picture we had previously was one in their life story book of a grinning baby.

As I said in a previous post, the social workers had managed to misplace our contact agreements and as far as the sister's family knew we didn't want to have anything to do with them. However, that has all been resolved and we agreed to swap photos and letters once a year. I had sent mine off last month and today theirs arrived.

It was a lovely photo of a beamingly happy little girl who was the mix of both of her brothers - she had KC's incredible hair colour - the hairdresser is always telling him that 'people pay to have their hair coloured like yours!" and TJ's cheeky little grin.

I looked at the photo of the little girl with a fat dog in her lap and cried. I just cried - ridiculous - but there it is.

I am one of three - myself, my brother and our baby sister - just like our kids. My only thought was - what would have happened if my brother and I had been separated from our sister (whom I love dearly).  We are even similar in age gaps.

Of course, the sister is completely happy and probably blissfully unaware of two brothers she has never met - but to the boys? I'm not sure - they know about her. We have talked about her and they have asked after her. Now we shall sit down with them and chat about this picture and how happy she is without yet knowing if and when they can meet - and should they meet? Would it be more damaging? Are we going to get family jealousy - 'Why didn't I live with her parents?' etc - is this constant sense of insecurity peculiar to adoptive parents alone?

I'm forever concerned that my boys will one day wake up and realise that I'm a fraud and have no idea how to be a parent.

As National Adoption Week has focussed on siblings this week I think it is also pertinent to look at those that can't be together and the incredible job of the adoptive parents to manage that contact - as was said at the awards on Tuesday, brothers and sisters are all we have once our parents have gone - they are our immediate family and that bond will and should always remain.

To be honest, I don't really speak to my brother now - he distanced himself when the adoption went through - whatever his reasons are I know one day we will all need each other again.

But for now...

I think I want another child...

Maybe I'm just being sentimental...

Maybe...

An 'Inspirational Post' for LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week

When I was asked to contribute to the BAAF blogpost for LGBT Adoption and Fostering Week, I was also asked if I could make it ‘inspirational’ – “No problem,” I said, “If you need an inspirational piece about being a gay parent then I’m your man!”

Then I sat down to write. But as soon as I sat at the keyboard my youngest son, TJ, decided that now was a good time to tell me that he needed an alien costume for school – tomorrow! Of course, he hadn’t told me when school did, two weeks ago, and, of course, he had lost the letter telling panicked parents exactly what the plans for ‘Alien Day’ were.

So I did what any good parent would do – I got on Facebook and messaged other parents at the school to find out what I needed to do.

“It can be anything, a robot, an alien, an astronaut – the theme is space and you can either rent a costume or make one – but there was a big ‘no’ if you thought you could simply paint your child’s face green and send them in ‘normal clothes – the school wants authenticity!”

I thought that if any alien came to Earth then surely they would do as much as possible to blend in and I was half tempted to send TJ to school in uniform with a note explaining our point of view… Or was I just being lazy?

So we pulled out cardboard boxes and tin foil, paper glue and toilet roll tubes – I felt like I was finally becoming the Blue Peter presenter I had always dreamed of being.

Two hours later my happy little boy was dressed as a cardboard robot and we had had a great time making it together.

Now I had to go back to writing this piece whilst he walked around me shouting ‘exterminate’ and zapping the unsuspecting dog with his ‘laser gun’ (A toilet roll with a lolly stick as a handle).

I couldn’t help but smile at him and at the joy on his face.

And that was my inspiration for this piece.

Gay parenting is no different to parenting. You will experience the same highs, the same lows – yes, adopted children have many more issues but they also bring as much joy.

Don’t be afraid of being a parent. There will be curious stares at the school gate, particularly if, like us, you don’t live in London, there will be difficult conversations about why you are not married to a woman and asking if you and Papa are brothers. You will have all that and my advice is always to be honest, if they are old enough to ask then they are old enough to be told the truth.

But at the end of the day (a horrid cliché I know) it’s the actual having of a family that is the inspiration and I can only hope that by raising awareness of LGBT Adoption and Fostering that more children will be brought into safe, loving, homes where they can experience something that every child has a right to – a loving family.

I hope that’s inspirational enough!

Fisrt published on the BAAF Website : http://www.baaf.org.uk/blog/inspirational-post

'Finding Mum and Dad'

Today's blog was supposed to be about the psychological challenges of being a stay at home parent - the feeling of losing self and, most importantly, self worth - it was one of the reasons I started writing again but also something I am only just coming to terms with. If you asked me what I 'did for a living' - I very rarely admit to being a stay at home Dad... but I think that will have to wait until tomorrow, or later today if I can get the washing and the shopping done before lunch.

Instead I am going to write about a show that was on British TV (Channel 4) last night. Called 'Finding Mum and Dad'. It focussed on the new 'adoption parties' that the British Association for Adoption and Fostering (BAAF) are running to encourage more approved adopters to consider taking on 'Hard to Place' children. These are usually sibling groups or children aged over 4, primarily boys who are traditionally harder to place than girls. Once a child hits 7 they are considered 'unadoptable' and the state stops looking for adoptive placements for them and instead puts them into long term foster care. So for any child aged between 4 and 7, this is a crucial time whereby their futures will be decided. If they are in a sibling group with younger brothers or sisters then by 6 the decision is usually made to place the older child into long term care and continue looking for adopters for the younger child(ren). Of course, this is a generalisation and I'm sure their are some social workers that will fight tooth and nail to find adopters for their older children but the reality is, as the show said, its a buyers market and adopters can pretty much pick and choose with those children who are not 'chosen' being put back into the care system.

What I was stunned by though, as this was billed as a BAAF programme, was the title - 'Finding Mum and Dad' - and throughout the show there was constant referrals to finding these children 'a new mummy and daddy'. The would be adopters they focussed on were heterosexuals and the children were all told they could possibly be meeting their new mummy and daddy.

In my opinion, I think the main reason that the government are pushing to recruit more lesbian and gay adopters and single adopters - all of whom were alienated by this programme - is that they, as a group, are far more likely to consider a 'harder to place' child than a heterosexual couple would be, who are more likely to be looking for a baby. Indeed nearly all the gay couples I know who have adopted have all adopted sibling groups of boys, ourselves included.

I heard from the boys' old foster carer today who said the programme moved her to tears - mainly because the two boys featured were so similar to our two and their situation was exactly the same - indeed I think many of the conversations that were filmed between the foster mum and the older boy were similar to conversations she had with KC when he learned he was to be adopted and removed from her.

Her opinion was that the adoption parties took on the form of a cattle market, where the children were paraded in front of would be adopters who then got to choose those they would like to play with and know more about. There was a couple who were interested in the two boys the show featured but decided against it as they met another child instead. That's wonderful for the other child but for the two boys it must have been horrendous - they are taken to party, given a long chat about finding a new family and then come home after being rejected. Of course the boys weren't told the people they had been playing with didn't want them but as any parent of an adopted child will tell you, our kids are far more aware of change in mood and know immediately when they are being talked about.

So I have mixed feelings about adoption parties. If Papa and I do look for a third then maybe we would attend one but I imagine I would find it a bit over whelming and just want to take all the children home - I can't imagine playing with lots of different children with the idea that I might take one of them but not the other.

Ok, with the old system we only learned about our children through their paperwork and a DVD but that meant that we had very few pre-conceptions about them before we met them - yes there were problems but they were problems we had to deal with. Had we met them at an adoption party and watched KC flying around the room bashing people with a toy sword then there is no way we would have taken him on. TJ would have been very different, probably sitting in a corner quietly, making him immediately adorable and ensuring that we would have enquired about him but they would have had to split the boys up to get anyone to take him.

For over 40 children families were found - but what about the 200 plus who didn't get a family but were taken to the party anyway.

I know we need more adopters and we need them to take older children but adoption parties... I'm not so sure....