Easter Fun!

So Easter is upon us.

It was a bit of a strange, unplanned event.

Originally my brother and his family were due to come and spend the long weekend with us. But then things changed and we were then due to go up to Manchester to see them.

Then things changed again as my 94year old Grandmother moved into a new care home. So we decided to go over to the west of the country to see her, stay in a nearby hotel and then go up to see my brother and stay with him.

Then therapy happened - and the 'advice' emailed to me and cc'ing in social workers, was that our boys couldn't share a room or be in close contact with other children unless supervised at all times - especially at night. With TJ currently wandering around the house every night this was going to be impossible.

So the hotel rooms were divided with TJ sleeping in with Papa and I and KC having a room to himself. The trip to my brothers was replaced with a day out at a theme park half way between his house and ours.

Or as Papa pointed out on many occasions - a weekend that started with relatives visiting us had turned into a mammoth travel trip costing just short of £1000. Who said adoption was cheap!!!!!!

Which leads me nicely onto my next point and my newest discovery in the life that is now dominated by Foetal Alcohol, especially as I get to know more about it.

TJ cannot lie - it's not that he won't lie, he is just incapable of it. We know when he is lying (or trying to lie) as his story usually becomes more and more fantastic and involves many elements - known in the world of FAS as confabulation, I believe.

But a simple lie - that won't happen. We rediscovered this as we queued in line for the theme park tickets. TJ won't go on any rides anyway and as he is tiny for his age, he is too small to go on any of the larger rides. So paying full price for a 12 year old seemed silly. "We can tell them you are 11," said Papa, "That way you get in for half price."

"But I'm 12," came the reply in his high pitched treble voice,

"Today you can be 11," I said, "Only for a  minute, then you can be 12 again."

TJ looked at me as if  was mad.

"I'll keep him with me," I said to Papa, "You and KC get the tickets." TJ and I then stood to one side.

This seemed to work fine until the ticket seller asked how old the boys were. 'I'm 13," said KC proudly.

"TJ is 11," said Papa.

"12!" shouted out the little voice. "I'm 12, why are you lying, Papa?"The boy has incredible hearing.

"It's ok," I said, "You stay with me." I tried to move him further away from the line.

By now TJ was getting hysterical. "I'm 12!" he was shouting and the people in the queue were being 'completely' understanding and laughing at us - which really didn't help, as he thought they were laughing at him.

But the ticket seller was lovely, and quietly issued TJ  child ticket as we hurried a crying 12 year old into the park - a park he didn't want to go to anyway, apparently.

We got inside and met up with my brother and his family whilst Papa complained about the price of everything. All this followed by TJ reminding me that it was wrong to lie - he wasn't in the wrong at all - I guess we were. I think next time I'll take a copy of his DLA or diagnosis so we can show that although he is of age he simply isn't going to want/or be able to go on many of the rides anyway.

"You should have gone online last night," said my brother, 'They do an online family deal where the kids go free. That's what we did." He grinned.

I thought Papa was going to explode.

From that moment on I was caught between my brother gloating over the money he had saved and Papa telling me off for not checking the online prices the night before. Alongside TJ who managed to have one meltdown which involved him running off and my pursuing him through a packed theme park and the other where he lost his temper and scratched his brother across the face. But, that said, we had a lovely time.

Oh well, we are back home now and TJ is happy again. For now anyway. He even went on a couple of rides - even if they were for the smaller kids - but he enjoyed it and loved spending time with his cousins - which makes it all worthwhile.

Tango... a personal review

So it's happened....

Tango...

It's been three years in the making. A real expression of love and hard work.

I have read various incarnations of the script but have seen the show twice now and each time have found different things that have moved me.

The first time was through the telling of our own stories. Even though I knew them, the way in which Joel (the playwright) had blended our reality with his own creations was seamless.

I was touched... we were touched.

I think most telling was how much we felt towards the character Jayden, our son in the play. When he is suddenly involved in the violence that occurs through no fault of his own we both became immediately protective of him.

But, as we are here to work, we have attended and taken part in numerous talks and it is these that have really shown the impact Tango has had on audiences here.

From the mother of two gay sons who had only ever dreamed of being a grandmother, to the same sex couple and their teenage son who were happy that families like ours were being given a platform to show they even exist. Same sex couples who now had a baby and were worried about the future, single parents who, through no fault of their own, found themselves being judged by their own society, even the adoptive child (now grown up) of Dutch parents who was now able to express his feelings as a child with a distinctively different background to his peers.

Also, the couple who told us they had never experienced discrimination for their same sex family and their child... but they put that down to their being of the same race and, as we shared, the waitresses initial curiosity was roused because our Caucasian son was sitting with his Chinese father. And finally, the Chinese mother who had a seemingly'white' child with her Caucasian husband and how, whenever she took her daughter anyplace new, the automatic reaction was that she was the 'helper'.

So many stories.

So much shared  love.

Tango has nearly sold out in its final week... I hope it is seen again and again...

It's a powerful story... not just because it is 'inspired' by this blog, but also because it shares the humanity of life, of love, of family....

If you haven't bought tickets yet... do...

It really is worth it!

Home Again?

When we arrived back in the UK, KC asked me if Singapore was our home or whether the UK was.

I asked him why he felt the need to ask it, and was quite surprised by his answer.

"It's simple,' he said, 'You always say that one is where we are - where the family are. So for Papa home must be where his family are. That means that home for Papa must be Singapore and...' he went on, 'you both know so many people over there - whenever we go we just meet loads of your friends and have loads of dinners and you drink lots of wine (I'm not sure where he got that last bit from) and we sit and smile and play on our phones."

"So you didn't enjoy it then?" I said.

"I enjoyed it,' he replied, "I love Singapore - I love the food and the warmth and the swimming and the tv... I don't really love the shopping though and I don't like leaving, because it means going on a long flight and I've seen all the movies on the way back..."

'Do you want to live there?" I asked him.

"Maybe, but only if I could live with Cousin M. and Grandma and Grandpa - they let me do what I want."

Hmmmmm... Well, I guess thats part of the joy of being Grandparents - you can let the grandkids run riot an then give them back. I didn't want to remind him that his cousin will be returning to university next week and won't be there anyway.

Family is big for KC. It means a lot to him.

TJ then came in. 'Did you enjoy Singapore?" I asked him.

"No,' he replied, "I hate the food, it's too hot and you just make us go shopping. I also don't have my playstation and I couldn't see my friends."

"What about seeing the rest of the family,' I said, "and your Godparents?"

"That was alright," he replied, "But don't you think they could all come and see us next time?"

So we have one traveller and one home body... which, strangely enough, reminded me of myself and my own brother. I have always had itchy feet and my brother has never left the North, but I think we are both happy, we just accept we are different.

Hopefully, the boys will see that as well.

Yesterday, on the radio the song 'Hello, Goodbye' by The Beatles came on. KC was singing along. "You know this song?" I asked him. He looked at me, "Don't you remember, it was the song that was playing in the car when you picked us up for the first time from our foster home."

I had forgotten.

"You've got a great memory," i said.

"Well, it's one of my favourite songs, " he said as he left the room.

It's moments like that that make parenting worthwhile...

Busy Doing Nothing...

Why is it when you think to yourself, 'I'm going to get back to work on my blog - make sure that I write more regularly now'...  Why is that the minute you say that then absolutely nothing happens in your week?

We went back to school last week. Not much to report there. Papa wrote a reply to the Head's letter (see last week's post) but we haven't really heard anything - except the Head's PA called to try and arrange a meeting with Papa - but he was too busy to take the call - so the Head's PA spoke to Papa's answering machine.

We had some snow - not enough to close the school for a day, which was disappointing. Particularly for KC who spent pretty much the whole of Thursday night pinned against the window begging the dear Lord to make it snow - I'm sure the dear Lord was listening to countless children all over the country praying for the same thing.

Then to cap it all KC got a stinking cold - so didn't actually go to school anyway - but was too ill to go outside and enjoy the little snow we had - maybe God was teaching him a lesson - 'be careful what you wish for' and all that.

Anyway KC was well enough to go to his drama group yesterday. He's started a new one locally, one of those franchises - but his friend goes and they both seem to love it. He came back after the first week and said, "My new drama teacher is gay as well.' So at least there are positive role models for him. Then he added, "Are all drama teachers gay, like you?" I wanted to point out to him that musical theatre was basically a big gay celebration (I didn't of course! and naturally it isn't... I have some straight friends in musical theatre too... I'm sure I do... (joking guys!!!!!))

Instead I pointed out that the theatre was as disciplined as the army (his other love)... just with more sequins...

Then last night it was TJ's turn to get sick - great fun!

But luckily, fingers crossed, both Papa and I are fine - so far!

KC has gone with best friend and family to a skate park - his aim is to be a world scooter champion - well, it is this week anyway. TJ's aim is still to beat the PS4 at anything... and to clean out his hamster!

Which I am now going to remind him to do...

And who says family life is dull...

Actually, I quite like the dull weeks.

Why Did You Choose Us?

That was the question I was confronted with in the car today on the way home from school.

I often wonder why these conversations always seem to happen on the move, I guess it's simply because we are in an enclosed space, with nothing else to do. I looked out of the window pretending to see where we were going.

'Don't do that,' KC said, 'don't try and avoid the question... I'm asking you a question. Why did you choose us?'

'Well,' I started, ' we looked at profiles of lots of children, ' (I wasn't going to tell him we spent nearly two years ploughing through profiles, that we had three failed matches and that their profiles were our last attempt at the whole adoption thing).

'When I saw your pictures then I knew you would be our children,' I stopped him from speaking, 'I can't explain it, but when I saw you and your brother's photo I just knew it was right.'

I expected that to be the end of it. But no.

'But why have children, why adopt?' I looked at him. Had he heard the countless arguments where we had asked ourselves that very question. The times we had nearly given up, the times when it really didn't seem worth it. Of course, we came through that phase, but what parent doesn't occasionally miss their years of pre child freedom, although you cannot underestimate the pressure that adoption places upon a couple, upon a family.

'I mean, adopting children is hard work,' he went on, ''Normal kids (his words, not mine) don't go to therapy, they don't cause as much trouble, they don't get angry and break things, they don't make their parents quit their jobs. You gave up everything to be our dad,' he said, 'Why did you do that. You love acting why did you stop?'

If I wasn't driving I would have burst into tears, purely at the depth at which he had obviously been thinking about all this. I wondered how long he had been playing with these ideas.

'but, we have you,' I said, 'Yes, it can be tough and yes we do have our problems, but all families have problems at some point. We just have to remember to be able to talk about them.'

'I want to look at the picture,' he said.

I looked at him.

'The picture in the magazine that made you choose us,' he went on, 'I want to see it. I want to see what you saw.'

'Ok,' I said, 'I have it still. You can see.'

He nodded. We came home.

He walked through the door.

'Let me know whrn you want to see the photo,' I said.

'It's alright,' he replied, 'I don't really want to see it."

He then rushed on out to the park to play football with his brother.

I sat down and wrote this.... My therapy.

IDAHOT 14

I can't beleive that its been a year since the last IDAHO - time flies, now, of course it's IDAHOT., the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia.

I was wracking my brains thinking of a topic to tie in with the themes of education and homophobia when Papa asked if I could write about a subject dear to his heart - the acceptance of family.

It all came about because one of his friends had been telling him about the fact that his son was gay and that he was now in a long term relationship. The father was concerned because he felt his son was going to miss out on so much of family life and, also, that he was never going to experience the joy of being a grandparent.

Over the past year or so, since they've been friends, the son has gone onto get engaged to his partner and the father has, through his friendship with Papa, seen that a gay relationship can still result in a happy family life - albeit a different one from the one he may have expected for his son. He is a regular reader of the blog and that in turn helped him to see that our family is really no different from any other - we just handle certain things creatively..

Papa then went on to talk about his own family. How in Chinese culture being gay is just something that is not talked about. He was open with his parents from a very young age but, I suppose, like many other parents, not just Asian ones, they were hoping it was just a phase or that he would eventually meet the right girl. Of course, he never did and when I came along his parents, and family, had to accept the fact that we were a couple and that they were probably never going to have grandchildren to carry on their family name. We soon changed that...

As society changes so attitudes change and Papa's parents welcome us all to the family home and accept their two 'ang moh' grandchildren as if they were their own flesh and blood. Indeed the boys both refer to the Asian cousins as 'Cousin...." and 'Cousin....' thus emphasising their role in their family lives. The boys recently had a vote on their favourite cousin (I overheard them) and the Little Prince won - mainly because he was a boy and serving in the Singapore Armed Forces (sorry little princess - but I'm sure it will change, and anyway at least you came second!)

My own parents were pretty ok about my 'coming out' - my Dad said it wasn't the best news he had all year, when I told him, but it wasn't the worse. My mother did that thing of telling me she knew all along - "Great," I said, "Then why didn't you tell me!" It would have saved a lot of heartache and anxiety on my part.

I listen to children in the playground now, particularly in secondary schools, discussing gay role models, such as Tom Daley or gay characters in their favourite TV shows, openly. Whatever their opinions may be, at least there is discussion. Yes, there is prejudice and yes this needs to be addressed, but things are moving in the right direction.

As I prepare my book for publication (hopefully) people ask if I am ok with being so open about our family life - but if we aren't open then who will be? Change comes from people not being afraid of what may happen. Hopefully, we can help to dispel that 'fear' of the scary gay agenda - I hate that phrase!

By looking at our family hopefully, some people have lost their fear of 'gay' parenting. I don't think we preach, we just tell it like it is. If our opening up our lives helps people to understand about the 'modern family' then it has to be a good thing.

So today's post is about openness in family - after all if we can't be open with them then how can we be open with the rest of the world.

Tom Daley, kids and school...

So Tom Daley has announced that he was in a relationship with another man yesterday. Good on him.

I have to be honest in saying that I was a little cynical - my belief was that Tom's confession was probably precipitated by a newspaper threat to out him - the youtube clip just seemed too well planned for me, mentioning  his book and tv documentary and his previous denials of being gay, plus throwing in a couple of mentions about his late father and bullying to ensure we were all completely sympathetic to his cause - it smacked of a publicity writer's hand (I know a few - no offence guys!). I also doubted whether or not this should have been 'Headline' news as shouted by the BBC lunchtime newsteam.

But.. I had a long conversation with some old friends via the social media site that is Facebook and soon came round to seeing that, despite all my own personal misgivings, Tom's 'outing' may actually be a good thing for young people everywhere and that regardless of the whys and hows of this story anything that brings these issues up in front of young people has to be a good thing.

A friend, who teaches at a post 16 college, pointed out that the performing arts centre is next to the sports hall and the level of abuse hurled by the sporting types to the performing arts students is horrendous. Another friend of mine has a teenage son who has also recently come out and her and her families acceptance of him and his partner has been humbling. My own mother flipped when as a teenager I even broached the subject of being gay and my own coming out story is long and protracted and ended up becoming incredibly public - albeit on a much smaller scale and in a foreign country, so I do sympathise with Tom about having your private life interfered with by the press - but this is not about me its about the boys.

In a blogpost I wrote last year, regarding IDAHO and school (incidentally the blog post that went a bit bonkers worldwide) I commented on how homophobia needs to be addressed at primary school level in order to avoid the very attitudes my friend is facing in his post 16 college. I hoped that had finally been addressed in the boy's school.

It hasn't.

Newsround, the BBC's news programme aimed specifically at children, ran a very sympathetic piece on Tom Daley - I was quite surprised that they did, but it was well done and it meant that the boys were able to understand and talk about what Tom had been through.

The Sprog is so much more open than his younger brother - he now attends a small independant school and everyone knows everyone else - they are very open and the Sprog is able to talk freely about his home life, being adopted, having two dads - all of that is run of the mill there.

TJ is still at the local primary and his friends are all members of the 'football' crowd - who are in real danger of turning into the post 16 crowd mentioned above.

As soon as TJ saw the story on TV he said; "Tom Daley is gay - that's gross." Those of you that read the article last year will remember that he said something similar then and we ended up in a long conversation about how Daddy and Papa are gay, two of his Godfathers are gay, we have gay friends - are they all 'gross'? But TJ still doesn't put the language of the school playground into context with his own life - and this is where school is at fault.

I have stood in school and heard children banding about the term 'gay' as if it means nothing more than 'rubbish'. I even heard a teacher telling a child, 'Please don't use that word - you know its not politically correct." She then looked over at me and nodded as if to say, 'See I told him off didn't I". Well, no actually you have given him permission to use it whenever he likes. I made the point that schools wouldn't allow racist langauge in school so why do they allow homophobic 'banter' - a point that the headteacher told me she 'took very seriously'. A point that the local council's anti bullying co-ordinator told me she 'took very seriously'... if everyone is taking my point very seriously then why don't they do anything about it.

So to Tom Daley, I say well done for 'coming out' - I'll keep that in inverted commas - but equally well done for raising this issue among young people - I could never have imagined even a few years ago that I would be sitting and listening to a 7 and 8 year old have a full on argument about whether being gay is gross or not.

I won't repeat what I said before but I will say here is still a lot of work to be done - especially in primary schools and if Tom Daley's story can kick start that then I take my hat off to him!!!!