A New Direction

I remember when I first started writing this blog - back in 2012 - how time flies, that my initial idea was to write a positive blog about adoption - something that showed others that adoption can have as many ups as it does downs.

It was a response to, what I felt, was the plethora of negative adoption stories that were in the press at the time and with gay adopters still being viewed with suspicion I wanted to help alleviate those fears as well.

Looking back over the past couple of years, I've realised that my blog has, unintentionally, become as dark as some of the others I was originally critical of.

I'm not going to apologise for that, or to undermine everything I have written. Yes there have been difficulties but, at the same time, I hope that I have been open and honest. Adoption is difficult but it is also incredibly rewarding and every now and then we have to stop and remind ourselves of that - otherwise we simply get caught up in the negativity of it all.

Both our boys are now in separate schools and both seem to be happy. I wouldn't say flourishing just yet - but I'll take happy.

KC just had his first report from his new school yesterday and it was pretty much all good - which considering his previous reports is astounding. They like him and he likes them - that has to be a bonus. No reports of fighting, swearing, language issues - nothing. Just positive reports.

Although this week I did have to tell him that he had a careers advice session (as options are coming up) and his reply was, "What do I need advice for - I'm never going to go there..."

It took me a while to realise that he thought I had said Korea - which did make us laugh.

But he went for the meeting and came out feeling very positive about himself - apparently he is an 'Eagle' - like Barack Obama or that lady who presents 'Bake Off', he said - a strange mix and I'm not sure what that shows us about his personality, but he liked it - so all good.

TJ has settled in really well to his specialist school - I wouldn't say he is 'happy' but he isn't complaining and, more importantly, he goes every morning without any upset - which I think for a child with his view on the world is a positive. No school refusal anymore. I was never sure about labelling him as being on the spectrum - but just having the label, alongside the FAS, has opened so many doors for him - and hopefully, we can try to get some insight into how his mind works... eventually anyway.

I thought about things and what really struck home is how much easier parenting an adopted child is when you have the right educational support in place. Yes, its been a struggle and it has resulted in my leaving work and a huge upheaval in our lives - but - the boys are settled, happy and learning. All we can hope is that by highlighting the positives that support can bring, we can show those 'in the know' that there can be a successful outcome to their investments (after all, it's all about the money!)

I hope that in the next few months I'll be able to document the positive direction this adoption journey has taken and will continue to take.

Another Positive Post - 2 in a row!!!!!!

So today I want to focus on KC and the positive turn his life has taken.

Again I don't want to jinx things and I apologise if it appears as though I'm gloating - I'm not. As you know it has been a struggle and I'm hoping that you will see that there can be light at the end of what appears to be a very long and endless tunnel.

When we decided that school really wasn't working for KC we made a huge decision to home school for a while - whilst we sorted out a suitable placement for him. KC has an Education and Health Care Plan (which used to the the Statement of Special Educational Needs) and, by law, is entitled to an education that meets his specialised needs. Unfortunately, therapeutic schools are few and far between and are costly - with local authorities struggling to balance their books etc, it does seem to be the SEN kids that are being ignored. It is easier to leave them struggling in mainstream schools - or being constantly excluded and then home schooled than it is to find and fund a suitable school placement.

KC was lucky in that I was able to give up my job and focus on battling the Local Authority to get him the help he needed. I could never have done it and held down a full time job. Not with tribunals and legal stuff and seemingly endless paperwork having to prove a need that is already recorded in the plan.

Plus, KC needed therapy - desperately. So we took the year out. We homeschooled with a tutor who came three times a week, we had therapy in place and we let KC just be himself for a year. I always think if you are going to miss a year of secondary school then Year 8 is the one to miss. Just entering the dreaded teens, not quite sure of your own identity, easily led astray and still not ready to make decisions about GCSE options etc.

In KC's case it was a good move.

With the help of the virtual head (the person responsible for the education of all children still in care and those who have been adopted from care) we were able to identify a therapy school. With an amazing post adoption worker we were then able to access the therapy KC needed and the reports he required to get a place at said school. School then offered him a place and the Local authority refused to fund it. So we took them to tribunal. The day before we agreed to meet to mediate - they backed down and agreed a placement for KC at the school. This was in May of this year - only they couldn't start till September. But it gave us something to aim for.

Shortly after, TJ started to refuse to go to his mainstream school. So I had both boys at home. I had just finished one battle to get KC sorted and now began another to get TJ a school that met his needs. Which meant that we had to go back to the drawing board and work out what those needs were and then, more importantly, provide proof of those needs.

But, we then decided that rather than stress everybody out - what we would do is simply start the boy's summer holidays a few weeks early. They could both chill and gain some breathing space, whilst I sorted out the next steps.

Come July, both boys had school placements for September and we really could let the holidays begin.

KC has now been at his school for nearly a full half term and, thankfully, he loves it!

He did comment that he was no longer the 'naughtiest' boy in school but that seems to have helped his self confidence. Neither child brings any home work home - so that has been a huge relief on the stress levels in the house.

KC only goes to lessons he wants to - but surprisingly, he attends a lot by choice - because... he enjoys them. He talks about comic books and graphic novels in English, he learns about finances and shopping in maths,  he plays drums in his music lesson,he helps out with abused animals at a local shelter as part of Life Skills, he goes mountain biking and swimming for his PE and loves to learn how to cook on a Friday. It's been a huge eye opener - and although I understand its not an education that would work for everyone (TJ would hate it as he needs structure to his day), for the child who has suffered hideous trauma in his formative years to be able to make choices is incredibly empowering.

No, he may not get handfuls of GCSE's and he may not attend University - who knows? But then I don't think he would have achieved those in mainstream schools either. But what we do have a is a happy 13 year old, who leaves the house at 7.30 every morning with a smile on his face. And that is enough for me.

Positive Labelling...

Yet again, I begin a post by apologising for taking so long to write anything.

It's so easy to blame everyone else - but the truth is that things have been going so well recently that my fear is that I may appear to be gloating and, even worse, I may jinx myself and upset the equilibrium.

But here goes!

I'm going to focus today's post on our youngest son.

TJ has had such a difficult few months. Firstly he had his diagnosis for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, which hit him really hard and this was followed by a full post adoption assessment (something which is available to all adopted children, but is rarely offered as its expensive - so adoptive parents, if you haven't been offered one, just ask, the authority can use the Adoption Support Fund to pay for it, so it shouldn't cost them anything.) Anyway, TJ had a full assessment which revealed the depth of his ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) - obviously every child is unique and TJ's main area of concern was his ability to read social cues etc. We had always put it down to his unique way of looking at the world and potential Attachment Disorder - yes, he has that one as well. By the end of the assessment he had so many letters attributed to his many diagnosis that he started to look like a Countdown Conundrum. At first I was mortified. Yes, we had always expected these things, but to have someone sit down and explain everything to you is a very different matter. I then went away and read everything they recommended, another reason I haven't had a lot of time to write - I've been reading lots. And, the more I read, the more I kick myself, thinking how did we miss this?

Well, we missed it because we weren't looking for it or we didn't want to see it or maybe we knew but were in denial? So many possibilities.  Maybe we were simply avoiding the dreaded labels.

But the one thing labelling TJ's foibles has done, has been to open so many doors to him. Particularly with education.

He was accepted into a specialist school and, whilst to begin with we were concerned as to how he would fit in - it hasn't bothered him a bit. He loves it. He has even talked about his learning difficulties and how the school are helping him.

Yes, its very like a primary school in its outlook, but he is so less stressed. I haven't had a single day of school refusal - yet (touch wood). He is up every morning, with his uniform on and ready to go. He loves maths, science and forestry... I didn't even know forestry was a thing! He has made friends and has even been invited to a party. I can honestly say that he is a different little boy.

He still swears at me on a regular basis (I blame the FAS) and he still has his stubborn moments - like refusing to leave the house for my birthday dinner as he had a TV programme to watch and was already in his pyjamas. But these are little things that pale into comparison with what we were dealing with before and to be honest, I can sit back and laugh at them.

I can breathe again.

The house is so less stressful, Papa is calmer, I'm calmer and this boys actually seem to get on (most of the time)...

Tomorrow, I'll tell you all about KC.

Two positive posts in two days - how will you cope! :>

Gay Family Friendly Holidays

We decided to book a last minute summer holiday. Papa had some air miles to use and by the fourth week of the school summer holidays I was already running out of stuff to do with the boys. Plus, Papa was given a promotion at work, so I felt it was time for him to celebrate his hard work and also to spend some quality time with his family... seeing as how we rarely see him during the working week.

So I keyed in the air miles details and asked them to find me flights for our usual holiday destinations in Europe, Sitges, Barcelona, Malta Majorca, etc... the traditional holiday resorts where we had stayed previously and knew that being a same sex family was not going to be an issue. 

But there was nothing available... then up came flights to Sardinia . They were available on dates that suited, from our nearest airport with very nice flight times. I booked them... and then started to worry.

I quickly did a google search and found that Sardinia, whilst being seen as conservative in nature was accepting of same sex couples... all good... but what about same sex families... how would that be viewed?

Papa and I scoured the hotels and opted for one that seemed quiet, out of they way and seemed to offer everything he needed, three pools, a private beach, beautiful surroundings, peace and tranquillity. We took the plunge and booked a family room.

We were not disappointed.

Costa dei Fiori, in Pula, is divine. I am writing this from our terrace as Judy Garland plays in the distance. How gay friendly is that?! 😉

Our welcome, from a chap I think is the owner (I have yet to find out) was gorgeous. Anything we wanted he could help with, which was handy as I needed a chemist as I’d forgotten my inhalers. He called a cab for me and promised that if I couldn’t get what I needed locally he would arrange for help from the local doctor. (It was fine, the chemist was charming and sorted me out).

Today I spoke with the manager, a lovely lady who has gone out of her way to look after us... especially when TJ is so particular about everything... I told her how impressed we were with the service and the staff here. It is, after all the staff that make a hotel. Ok, it may not be a five star resort (4 I believe) but it’s definitely 5 star service. TJ finds all change difficult and holidays are often draining. But anything he wanted has been found, meals sorted... I really couldn’t ask for anything more.

As a same sex family, you do worry... and we will always be met with stares, usually of curiousity as people try to work out the relationships between us all, and one family (I think Russian) were quite obviously keeping their distance from us (but I don’t want to generalise... perhaps they just don’t like any Brits!) As a same sex family with children with difficulties, you worry even more... or I do anyway.

Would we come again... definitely!

Would we recommend it to other families, regardless of make up.... absolutely!

This place is a real gem, so please keep it to yourselves! But here’s a link anyway.... 😉

Costa Dei Fiori

A good week!

Sometimes it feels like the only things I ever record on my blog are the negative moments - the issues etc.

And... of course, there are many but there are also many joys to adoption and to parenting in general, although they don't get as many readers oddly enough. :>

Sometimes  have to remind myself that I'm not writing a misery memoir!

But this has been a good week. I've been filling out school forms for both boys - they both have been accepted into specialist schools, albeit different ones and, as both boys have a special needs plan (EHC) they qualify for transport to and from their schools - so the school run won't be as complex as I originally feared - especially as the schools are around 10 miles apart from each other.

This weekend was my Grandmother's 95th birthday and we went along with the whole family to celebrate with her. It was lovely to see everyone and also to see how easily our boys slotted straight in with their cousins and my cousins and the cousins once removed and... well, you get the point. There were so many children that at one point we did consider playing a game of 'match the children to their parents' - just to see if anyone could remember which child belonged to whom.

TJ didn't like all the noise and was terrified that he was going to have to hug lots of people, so he went and sat outside and listened to his music in a quiet corner - but he knew that his safe place and he seemed quite happy. Later when the children all raced outside to play football in the grounds of my Nan's care home - he was in there with the rest of them.

KC, being the eldest great grandchild, was relishing the role of being 'looked up' to by the other children - literally as he is so tall now. He was the King of Cool to them - and boy, did he know it.

So we are now entering the summer holidays and now that we know exactly what's happening come September, I think we can allow ourselves to enjoy the time together - before KC becomes too cool to hang out with his dads. I don't think that is far off now.

But for now, we shall just sit back and breathe!!!!!!

School Refusal...

Well - it's certainly been another interesting week - it's never dull in the world of adoption. Sometimes, I'd just like there to be nothing to write about - just a boring, old, run of the mill, family week.

Yeah, right...

This week TJ refused to go back to school - ever.

I've never experienced school refusal before - that was for other people's children, that was for parents who had no discipline or control over their kids - where their children dictate the rules, where there is a lack of boundaries...

But, no. School refusal is very different. I watched as our youngest son, who has always loved going to school, became a crumpled heap on the floor, crying and begging me not to make him go. A child who clung to his bedclothes like a toddler, trying to hide within the sheets. I told him he could stay at home that day. And TJ did the unthinkable - he simply sighed and went to sleep. TJ never sleeps - never - especially not when the sun is up. As I've learned, sleep is a big issue for children with FAS, their brains simply find it very difficult to shut down and logically, why would you sleep when the sun is up. So in the winter months, TJ can be in his pyjamas and in bed for around 6.30 - in the summer though it's a different matter.

So I went into school to meet with the SENCo regarding TJ's draft EHC plan (the plan for children with special needs).

The plan is supposed to be a detailed document stating the issues that the child faces and the ways in which the local authority need them to be addressed - it's a legally binding document that has to be adhered to. In reality of course, it's a mess, written by people who have never met my child and rely on information given to them - everything has to be evidenced, even down to getting the geneticist to provided a detailed letter outlining her diagnosis - twice. But we have managed to get TJ a plan - except the plan is so vague - so the SENCo and I had agreed to meet in order to provide the LA with the language for the support needed - yes, we are writing it for them (to be honest, I think that is pretty much the norm).

To see TJ's needs written down and to hear just how much of a struggle school is for him was tough. To hear how he simply doesn't understand the social skills required to know the difference between a joke and a threat, to hear that he has never even ventured into the school playground because its just too loud and scary for him. To hear how other children get him to 'share' his lunch with them in order for them to be his 'friends' whilst he then goes hungry - how he was pushed against a wall and his glasses broken.. and so much more was hard. Yes, the school are investigating every incident - but we had to face the fact that TJ cannot cope in large school environment and he was going to struggle with later school life as he simply doesn't have the ability to think critically - to access the curriculum and because he can't access the curriculum he is called names and ridiculed... children can be cruel.

To hear all of this was tough - but then to imagine how he must feel living through it - that was harder. No wonder he didn't want to go to school. And we, as parents, had made the decision to follow the local authorities advice - to put him in mainstream school to see if he could cope. Essentially we had set him up to fail - but it was only by failing that he was going to get the help he so desperately needs. His failure was the evidence the local authority wanted.

This failure, coupled with the coming to terms with his diagnosis, led to a conversation where TJ was very open about his wish to die - why should he live - he couldn't be cured, everyone hates him, he hates himself - that was hard to hear but despite that - we have to be strong for him - to reassure him, to get him the help he needs. We've done it for KC (finally - his school placement has been agreed) now its TJ's turn.

So, the school refusal was no surprise to anyone at his school - they were surprised he had carried on for as long as he has. At one point the SENCo said that maybe the refusal was a good thing because now the authority had to listen - thank goodness the EHC was in place as now they have to find him a suitable school place - however, we now face the battle of there simply not being enough specialist places available. So, as one boy goes back into education, the other one comes out...

My life is a revolving door of educational needs - but still we soldier on!

Struggles - do they ever really end?

It's been a funny few weeks since I last posted. As ever in the world of adoption after weeks of stagnation and seemingly endless battles everything seems to happen at once.

Firstly, I need to thank all those of you who sent donations to help keep TJ in school - we were overwhelmed, but in light of the following I have requested that everyone be refunded - if you haven't been then just comment of drop me an email and I'll sort it out for you.

The fact is that the day before we were to begin the lengthy and difficult appeal process to fight for TJ's EHC Plan (which is a legal agreement between us and the local authority to provide education to meet TJ's needs and to support this through his emotional health and care). It seems like a plan that can cover all eventualities and needs but in reality it is the education part of the plan that is usually focussed upon and it was because of this that TJ's application was rejected originally - his education levels are very low, but were just above the criteria needed for a plan to be issued. However, the local authority didn't take into account his complex emotional needs nor his recent diagnosis - so we challenged it and decided to take it to the tribunal level - true to form, the day we before proceedings were due to start, the local authority called to say they had decided to concede and to issue the plan after all. So, hopefully, TJ will now get the help he needs in school - or even have access to a more specialist school that can offer him a more nurturing background than standard mainstream - where he struggles. He is enjoying the mainstream school during lessons, but at break time and lunch he refuses to leave the classroom as its all too noisy for him. He may decide he wants to stay there, I'll take advice on that, but at least now he has options.

Then, after months out of school, KC (who has an EHC Plan) finally found a school that could accommodate his incredibly complex needs - but they don't have a place available until September and they have to employ extra staff to help meet his requirements - So after fighting to get him a referral to this specialist school everything now has to go back to the local authority for approval as it will involve extra funding (doesn't everything?). So although he finally has a school place now we have to ensure that the funding is available - but having the EHC should help with that - I just hope we don't have to go to tribunal over that one - fingers crossed!

I went to see the doctor the other day, for TJ, and he looked at me and asked how I was getting on. I was a bit taken aback but he explained that most people he sees tend to be fighting for one EHC, to be fighting for two was really tough and he expected me to be struggling, he went on that he often had parents sat with him at their wits end and in tears. I think I'm tough, or at least I seem to be. But what shocked me most was not how amazingly I was coping (supposedly) but how so many people had to go through so much difficulty just getting the help their children need. Luckily our doctor understands adoptive families as his own parents were foster carers. Although getting an appointment with him in the first place is a struggle in itself!

Still TJ is back at the hospital next week, but at least I now know the right questions to ask and hopefully, come September, both boys will be in schools that can support them fully.

As for me, I'm in the last month of my six year psychology degree through the Open University - thats been a struggle in itself, so wish me luck!

Unstoppable - National Citizenship Services (NCS)

Just recently a fellow blogger drew my attention to a website promoting the National Citizenship Service (NCS) and their Courses for young people and asked what I thought about it.

To be honest, I thought it was amazing - the things that the course allows the young people to take part in are just brilliant, its not just a fun week away (although that is part of it) but essentially the young people aged 15 - 17, get involved in activities in their local community. sponsored via the voluntary sector (the voluntary, community social enterprise, to be precise). They learn necessary life skills and with the bad press young people generally see to receive it was great to see something so positive being done to raise the profile of young people, whilst at the same time giving them this fantastic opportunity.

I then looked at my two boys and thought how they could fit in. KC would love it - I will definitely sign him up when the time comes. But TJ may struggle, particularly as his 'world view' tends to be very literal.

But upon reading through the website, it may be something that TJ could be persuaded to take part in, particularly as the first stage involves the young people staying away from home - although I'm sure when the time comes a few phone calls may enable TJ to take part without leaving home - just a mammoth use of 'dad's taxi' i suppose. KC would jump at the chance to go away, but he is definitely the more adventurous of our boys, maybe if he has a positive experience then this will influence TJ in a positive way.

The theme for this year's NCS campaign is Unstoppable and for KC it is a great fit! If we can get TJ there, then he will definitely be unstoppable. And, to be completely honest, when you have children who may not be that academically gifted then anything that helps to improve their life chances is a God-send.

It's funny but since TJ's diagnosis I find myself examining the effect that will have on his future - the types of things he will be able to take part in. I am much more 'disability' aware, if that makes sense and my first question now is always 'What provision do you make for those with learning disabilities?' - and that will be my first question to the NCS - when the time comes.

But, looking at the site and reading their ethos makes me think they probably have something in place - so it will definitely be something we will be considering for both boys.

Take a look and see what you think.

http://www.ncsyes.co.uk/?utm_source=blogger&utm_medium=website&utm_campaign=summer18 

Its nice to have a positive post! 

Easter Fun!

So Easter is upon us.

It was a bit of a strange, unplanned event.

Originally my brother and his family were due to come and spend the long weekend with us. But then things changed and we were then due to go up to Manchester to see them.

Then things changed again as my 94year old Grandmother moved into a new care home. So we decided to go over to the west of the country to see her, stay in a nearby hotel and then go up to see my brother and stay with him.

Then therapy happened - and the 'advice' emailed to me and cc'ing in social workers, was that our boys couldn't share a room or be in close contact with other children unless supervised at all times - especially at night. With TJ currently wandering around the house every night this was going to be impossible.

So the hotel rooms were divided with TJ sleeping in with Papa and I and KC having a room to himself. The trip to my brothers was replaced with a day out at a theme park half way between his house and ours.

Or as Papa pointed out on many occasions - a weekend that started with relatives visiting us had turned into a mammoth travel trip costing just short of £1000. Who said adoption was cheap!!!!!!

Which leads me nicely onto my next point and my newest discovery in the life that is now dominated by Foetal Alcohol, especially as I get to know more about it.

TJ cannot lie - it's not that he won't lie, he is just incapable of it. We know when he is lying (or trying to lie) as his story usually becomes more and more fantastic and involves many elements - known in the world of FAS as confabulation, I believe.

But a simple lie - that won't happen. We rediscovered this as we queued in line for the theme park tickets. TJ won't go on any rides anyway and as he is tiny for his age, he is too small to go on any of the larger rides. So paying full price for a 12 year old seemed silly. "We can tell them you are 11," said Papa, "That way you get in for half price."

"But I'm 12," came the reply in his high pitched treble voice,

"Today you can be 11," I said, "Only for a  minute, then you can be 12 again."

TJ looked at me as if  was mad.

"I'll keep him with me," I said to Papa, "You and KC get the tickets." TJ and I then stood to one side.

This seemed to work fine until the ticket seller asked how old the boys were. 'I'm 13," said KC proudly.

"TJ is 11," said Papa.

"12!" shouted out the little voice. "I'm 12, why are you lying, Papa?"The boy has incredible hearing.

"It's ok," I said, "You stay with me." I tried to move him further away from the line.

By now TJ was getting hysterical. "I'm 12!" he was shouting and the people in the queue were being 'completely' understanding and laughing at us - which really didn't help, as he thought they were laughing at him.

But the ticket seller was lovely, and quietly issued TJ  child ticket as we hurried a crying 12 year old into the park - a park he didn't want to go to anyway, apparently.

We got inside and met up with my brother and his family whilst Papa complained about the price of everything. All this followed by TJ reminding me that it was wrong to lie - he wasn't in the wrong at all - I guess we were. I think next time I'll take a copy of his DLA or diagnosis so we can show that although he is of age he simply isn't going to want/or be able to go on many of the rides anyway.

"You should have gone online last night," said my brother, 'They do an online family deal where the kids go free. That's what we did." He grinned.

I thought Papa was going to explode.

From that moment on I was caught between my brother gloating over the money he had saved and Papa telling me off for not checking the online prices the night before. Alongside TJ who managed to have one meltdown which involved him running off and my pursuing him through a packed theme park and the other where he lost his temper and scratched his brother across the face. But, that said, we had a lovely time.

Oh well, we are back home now and TJ is happy again. For now anyway. He even went on a couple of rides - even if they were for the smaller kids - but he enjoyed it and loved spending time with his cousins - which makes it all worthwhile.

Change is in the Air

Firstly, I have to thank everyone who took the time to send us messages of love and support after my last blogpost (well more of an outpouring than a post). I'd like to say that we have managed to sort things out - we haven't... but there is light at the end of the tunnel - or at least a glimmer.

We are still waiting for the Local Authority to make a decision on TJ's EHC Plan - which could enable him to stay at his current school, or give him access to specialist environment but, in the event, that it doesn't go through then we have to look at other options. With KC still homeschooling to keep them both at home would be untenable.

But... I met with a lovely SENCo at a mainstream Secondary School - who was amazed that TJ didn't have an EHC but also accepted that in the current climate there is every chance he still won't get one (It's all about the money!) However, she advised us to keep appealing and whilst we waited she could offer TJ a place in a small class with a specialist curriculum. I thought I was going to cry...

She got it - she understood his needs and his diagnosis. I was relieved. Although she did mention another specialist school where she felt he would be better placed - but yet again, we need that golden bit of paper - the EHC!

Then as we were leaving she asked me what TJ's mum did - I smiled, 'He has two dads' " I replied.

She stopped, 'Oh we haven't had that here before - I hope the other children don't make it an issue..."

Suddenly I'm worried again...

Sigh...

So, our final decision is (if we don't get the EHC) to give this school a go whilst we appeal. If the appeal goes through - then great. If it doesn't and TJ hates this school then we can join the army of SEN parents and homeschool him in September when KC goes back to a specialist school.

it will be a tough few months - but at least we have a plan...

And if all that fails - here is our Go Fund Me page - any millionaires out there? (well, its worth a shot!)

https://www.gofundme.com/tj039s-school-fees


Update: I had barely pressed send when the potential new mainstream school's SENCo called - to say she had been thinking about things and now she was concerned that a mainstream school may not be suitable for TJ - she didn't want to take him on and then him have to move to specialist education in Key Stage 4 - when she expects him to really struggle... sigh...

Words I Never Thought I Would Write...

So life has all turned a little bit upside down this past month.

I wasn't sure what to share here - but if the point of the blog is to be honest about adoption, then I guess I should really let you know what's going on - not everything, obviously - there is still some privacy - but the bits that effect us, as parents.

TJ, our youngest child, has recently been undergoing a series of genetic tests to find the reasons behind his small stature, his quirky features (he's still beautiful) and his slightly picky nature... he always likes things to be 'just so'.

We had always assumed him to be 'on the spectrum' (horrid phrase) but... it turns out... he isn't only that - he has Foetal Alcohol Syndrome - not the Spectrum Disorder, as many adoptive children have - but the full FAS, at its most severe.

The consultant was brilliant with him (and me). She explained everything to him - that he had every right to be angry - that it wasn't his fault and that it wasn't mine or Papa's fault either. He took it all in his stride - smiling and nodding and seemingly engaged. Until she asked him to repeat what she had just told him... nope... he hadn't actually heard a word - he had shut down.

Not surprising really, i would have done the same if I could.

The consultant then sent him out of the room whilst she had a chat with me about the next step and the potential outcome.... oh, and to let me know that by looking at pictures of our eldest son and from hearing about his recent mental health issues, that her assumption would be that he was also affected by alcohol in the womb - although, because he doesn't have the distinctive features he would be on the FASD spectrum, not FAS... all the acronyms! Yet, from the outset we were told by Social Services that FAS wasn't even in the picture... it was a genetic disorder that caused the facial features... yeah, right. Rose tinted glasses abound!!!!!

The day after the diagnosis KC revealed the truth behind his recent mental upset - I won't share that... but it was tough to hear and as a parent, I was suddenly traumatised myself... it was as if someone wanted to pull the rug from under me - suddenly the future for both boys seems incredibly bleak - how were we going to cope with all this? I don't know.

Papa and I had a long chat - if we had the worst case scenario (as the consultant put it - and as KC's confession seemed to bear out) then there was no way I would be going back to work anytime soon.

So we made the decision to remove TJ from the small private school he currently attends - he had been struggling and we simply couldn't keep paying the fees on one salary.

Then the school let me know just how well TJ was doing - how for the first time, he had not one friend but two! He has never had any friends at school before... How we was seen laughing in the playground and chatting with other children - no longer running away or hiding under the stairs crying.

The sense of guilt was and is huge - how can we take him away from that? Put him into a large state school? I can't home school both - their needs are too different. Plus I spend two days a week in therapy for KC or at the psychotherapist for Papa and I (we are now doing a course in non violent resistance for troubled children - today's blog was supposed to be about that... but my head is full of Foetal Alcohol, it consumes me.)

I worry for the boys future - KC, is definitely more settled now he is at home, but I can't shelter him forever. TJ is loving school but what happens when we remove him?

Our debts are mounting and I can't work. Today I spent the morning on a money saving website learning about how to make money from surveys etc. Anything will help.

Our adoption dream is fast becoming a living nightmare...

Luckily we have some adoption support - which I know is so much more than a lot of struggling families out there. KC now has a tutor - I can't leave the house whilst she is here - but at least I do get a break. I am lucky, I know that - its just some days I don't know how much longer we can all cope...

Hopefully, one day i will read this back and realise this was the worst it got before it got better.

Papa said in our last therapy session that he doesn't know how I carry on - that my sense of optimism and strength was seemingly bottomless... which was lovely to hear. but this week... I can honestly say, I'm struggling...

Words I never thought I would write...

New Year - new... well new everything!

So living on one wage is tough - really tough.

But my new year's resolution is to make this work - by this, I mean us as a family.

And that means budgeting - a lot!

So we have started tightening our belts - finding a monthly food budget and sticking to it.

It's the sticking to it bit that's the hardest and making sure you resist the temptation to 'pop down the Co-op' to get those little things that you really 'need' - but don't really need - if you get my drift.

So, I'm staying at home - still doing the home educating thing (which is a nightmare) but luckily the Local Authority have finally agreed to provide a tutor - who comes in for ten hours per week, which then gives me time to get things sorted out - although I can't leave the house as the tutor can't be left alone with KC, safeguarding... such fun...

I would have thought we would have KC placed in a special school by now - but we are still waiting for the powers that be to finalise decisions. Referrals have been made, reports issued but four months on he is still officially 'a child not in education'. But we keep smiling and keep plodding on.

He is desperate to go back to school - if only to meet other kids of the same age - its so hard for him, he wants to socialise but then gets it all wrong and ends up alone, or worse, blamed for everything that goes wrong - he's no angel, but its not always his fault.... is it?

Now we have been assigned a course in Non Violent Reaction (NVR) - apparently they are amazing and I'm quite looking forward to it. But now the boys are bigger they seem to be constantly trying to kill each other - the Christmas holidays seemed to go on forever. So we need more tools in our parenting box other than shouting and sending to the room to think about things - after all what kids actually goes to their room to think about things - I know I never did...

But TJ has gone back to school now - although we have a slight issue in that he is at a small private school - he couldn't cope with a large school and his issues aren't seen as 'major' enough to grant him a place in a special school - but budgeting means we may have to look at how we pay for his school. Luckily he gets some allowances from the government and we have applied for an adoption allowance for him - but I worry. Still it was our decision to place him there - not his. Am I whinging? I don't know - today seems like a stream of consciousness... The local authority have agreed to assess TJ for his EHC Plan (which KC already has) - which could then enable him to go to a specialist school as well - but then I wonder if its all worth it.

Maybe once KC is back in school I can attempt to find another job - even a part time one. What happened to all my career plans - the words back-burner spring to mind.

Adoption really does change your life forever.

I'm in a process of re-evaluation - which can't be a bad thing...