School Refusal...

Well - it's certainly been another interesting week - it's never dull in the world of adoption. Sometimes, I'd just like there to be nothing to write about - just a boring, old, run of the mill, family week.

Yeah, right...

This week TJ refused to go back to school - ever.

I've never experienced school refusal before - that was for other people's children, that was for parents who had no discipline or control over their kids - where their children dictate the rules, where there is a lack of boundaries...

But, no. School refusal is very different. I watched as our youngest son, who has always loved going to school, became a crumpled heap on the floor, crying and begging me not to make him go. A child who clung to his bedclothes like a toddler, trying to hide within the sheets. I told him he could stay at home that day. And TJ did the unthinkable - he simply sighed and went to sleep. TJ never sleeps - never - especially not when the sun is up. As I've learned, sleep is a big issue for children with FAS, their brains simply find it very difficult to shut down and logically, why would you sleep when the sun is up. So in the winter months, TJ can be in his pyjamas and in bed for around 6.30 - in the summer though it's a different matter.

So I went into school to meet with the SENCo regarding TJ's draft EHC plan (the plan for children with special needs).

The plan is supposed to be a detailed document stating the issues that the child faces and the ways in which the local authority need them to be addressed - it's a legally binding document that has to be adhered to. In reality of course, it's a mess, written by people who have never met my child and rely on information given to them - everything has to be evidenced, even down to getting the geneticist to provided a detailed letter outlining her diagnosis - twice. But we have managed to get TJ a plan - except the plan is so vague - so the SENCo and I had agreed to meet in order to provide the LA with the language for the support needed - yes, we are writing it for them (to be honest, I think that is pretty much the norm).

To see TJ's needs written down and to hear just how much of a struggle school is for him was tough. To hear how he simply doesn't understand the social skills required to know the difference between a joke and a threat, to hear that he has never even ventured into the school playground because its just too loud and scary for him. To hear how other children get him to 'share' his lunch with them in order for them to be his 'friends' whilst he then goes hungry - how he was pushed against a wall and his glasses broken.. and so much more was hard. Yes, the school are investigating every incident - but we had to face the fact that TJ cannot cope in large school environment and he was going to struggle with later school life as he simply doesn't have the ability to think critically - to access the curriculum and because he can't access the curriculum he is called names and ridiculed... children can be cruel.

To hear all of this was tough - but then to imagine how he must feel living through it - that was harder. No wonder he didn't want to go to school. And we, as parents, had made the decision to follow the local authorities advice - to put him in mainstream school to see if he could cope. Essentially we had set him up to fail - but it was only by failing that he was going to get the help he so desperately needs. His failure was the evidence the local authority wanted.

This failure, coupled with the coming to terms with his diagnosis, led to a conversation where TJ was very open about his wish to die - why should he live - he couldn't be cured, everyone hates him, he hates himself - that was hard to hear but despite that - we have to be strong for him - to reassure him, to get him the help he needs. We've done it for KC (finally - his school placement has been agreed) now its TJ's turn.

So, the school refusal was no surprise to anyone at his school - they were surprised he had carried on for as long as he has. At one point the SENCo said that maybe the refusal was a good thing because now the authority had to listen - thank goodness the EHC was in place as now they have to find him a suitable school place - however, we now face the battle of there simply not being enough specialist places available. So, as one boy goes back into education, the other one comes out...

My life is a revolving door of educational needs - but still we soldier on!

Struggles - do they ever really end?

It's been a funny few weeks since I last posted. As ever in the world of adoption after weeks of stagnation and seemingly endless battles everything seems to happen at once.

Firstly, I need to thank all those of you who sent donations to help keep TJ in school - we were overwhelmed, but in light of the following I have requested that everyone be refunded - if you haven't been then just comment of drop me an email and I'll sort it out for you.

The fact is that the day before we were to begin the lengthy and difficult appeal process to fight for TJ's EHC Plan (which is a legal agreement between us and the local authority to provide education to meet TJ's needs and to support this through his emotional health and care). It seems like a plan that can cover all eventualities and needs but in reality it is the education part of the plan that is usually focussed upon and it was because of this that TJ's application was rejected originally - his education levels are very low, but were just above the criteria needed for a plan to be issued. However, the local authority didn't take into account his complex emotional needs nor his recent diagnosis - so we challenged it and decided to take it to the tribunal level - true to form, the day we before proceedings were due to start, the local authority called to say they had decided to concede and to issue the plan after all. So, hopefully, TJ will now get the help he needs in school - or even have access to a more specialist school that can offer him a more nurturing background than standard mainstream - where he struggles. He is enjoying the mainstream school during lessons, but at break time and lunch he refuses to leave the classroom as its all too noisy for him. He may decide he wants to stay there, I'll take advice on that, but at least now he has options.

Then, after months out of school, KC (who has an EHC Plan) finally found a school that could accommodate his incredibly complex needs - but they don't have a place available until September and they have to employ extra staff to help meet his requirements - So after fighting to get him a referral to this specialist school everything now has to go back to the local authority for approval as it will involve extra funding (doesn't everything?). So although he finally has a school place now we have to ensure that the funding is available - but having the EHC should help with that - I just hope we don't have to go to tribunal over that one - fingers crossed!

I went to see the doctor the other day, for TJ, and he looked at me and asked how I was getting on. I was a bit taken aback but he explained that most people he sees tend to be fighting for one EHC, to be fighting for two was really tough and he expected me to be struggling, he went on that he often had parents sat with him at their wits end and in tears. I think I'm tough, or at least I seem to be. But what shocked me most was not how amazingly I was coping (supposedly) but how so many people had to go through so much difficulty just getting the help their children need. Luckily our doctor understands adoptive families as his own parents were foster carers. Although getting an appointment with him in the first place is a struggle in itself!

Still TJ is back at the hospital next week, but at least I now know the right questions to ask and hopefully, come September, both boys will be in schools that can support them fully.

As for me, I'm in the last month of my six year psychology degree through the Open University - thats been a struggle in itself, so wish me luck!

Discipline...

Such an emotive issue.... everyone seems to have lots of advice... and the amount of people who say 'well, I was smacked as child and it never did me any harm etc etc etc...' as they twitch uncontrollably or flinch at the slightest door slam... I'm not looking for answers here - just off loading...

Papa always reminds the children that his father had a cane - not that it was ever used, but he doesn't tell the kids that bit - they just look at Grandpa with both fear and awe - admittedly it does automatically give him a certain respect in their eyes although I'm not sure what would happen if we actually saw this 'cane' or if it is just a figment of Papa's imagination.

Although the cane is still widely used in Singapore schools (the very schools Mr Gove thinks we should be emulating) - when I first arrived as a teacher there I was stunned to see a line of little boys being lined up in their primary school assembly to have their legs whipped with a huge cane brandished by the discipline master. (I'm sure Mr Gove wasn't shown that as he toured some of the most expensive schools in Singapore) It wasn't my place to comment of course, but the lady I was working with cried all morning. Again, I can't really comment on the whys and wherefores as, to be honest, one of the things that makes Singapore such a great country to live and work in, and visit is the respect for authority that must have been instilled at a very young age - after all, how many tourists come back raving about how clean it is and how polite everyone is - those things don't just happen overnight. Then we look at our own streets and moan about the dirtiness , the graffiti, the groups of teenagers with nothing better to do you can see where the comparisons can lead you - at least in Singapore the teenagers are studying like mad to get their expected results. I'm sure many of my Singapore friends will be able to add their stories and experiences, so, as I say, I'm not making any judgements here. But it does highlight the differences in discipline that Papa and I both have.

I'm not saying for an instant that Papa would cane the children - he hasn't got it in him, under all that bluster he is a big softie... but today.. today I could quite happily have led TJ to the discipline master myself!!!!!!!!!

I have always promised that I would never smack the children but would reason with them and explain exactly why what they were doing was wrong.. I hear loads of you falling about laughing as I write that - and to be honest, today I can agree. Obviously, for our kids it is slightly different, where my own parents would have given me a quick smack and sent me to my room (I'm of that generation) we know that for many children who come into care that they were beaten and didn't know when the smacking would stop, they were also locked in their room for days on end, TJ has a habit of eating blutac if you leave him in his room for too long - so that form of discipline would probably send them into a spiral of despair or fear... or something similar. But then what are you left with? We do practise 'time in' where the boys have to sit next to us when they are naughty (or 'make poor choices' as we don't like the 'n' word). This means the boys sit quietly while I do something boring - like write my blog. Hence Lea is currently sitting on the bed behind me staring at the back of my head - I can feel the daggers hurtling into my back from her eyes - as she has been grounded and lost her privileges for today (no TV or computer games).

This form of discipline works well for now - but what happens as they get older? I know that our kids are easily led and will happily stray away with the sorts of children who will lead him into trouble - so where do we go from here?

Today I can see the argument for a short sharp, and probably painful shock, but I don't think that in the long run it will do any good so I step away from it... I just don't know what to replace it with.

What was his crime.?.. She got angry with her brother in the park - so threw her scooter at him... and then in a fit of rage threw the scooter down the hill and then kept picking it up and throwing it further trying to break it. When she realised I was watching she just said, 'Why are you looking at me - it's mine and I'll break it if I want..."I grounded her there and then, unfortunately for her, her best friend (and someone I would like for him to spend more time with) came around the corner and asked if Lea wanted to play - Lea's face lit up, the demon was gone and my little girl was back - but I had already made the punishment (or 'consequence' as we don't like the 'p' word either) and had to stick by my guns - hence a really upset little girl is sitting behind me willing me to explode!

What is gratifying is that she is obviously showing remorse - I would be really concerned if she simply didn't care about the consequences of her actions... hopefully, that will be the saving grace.