Another Positive Post - 2 in a row!!!!!!

So today I want to focus on KC and the positive turn his life has taken.

Again I don't want to jinx things and I apologise if it appears as though I'm gloating - I'm not. As you know it has been a struggle and I'm hoping that you will see that there can be light at the end of what appears to be a very long and endless tunnel.

When we decided that school really wasn't working for KC we made a huge decision to home school for a while - whilst we sorted out a suitable placement for him. KC has an Education and Health Care Plan (which used to the the Statement of Special Educational Needs) and, by law, is entitled to an education that meets his specialised needs. Unfortunately, therapeutic schools are few and far between and are costly - with local authorities struggling to balance their books etc, it does seem to be the SEN kids that are being ignored. It is easier to leave them struggling in mainstream schools - or being constantly excluded and then home schooled than it is to find and fund a suitable school placement.

KC was lucky in that I was able to give up my job and focus on battling the Local Authority to get him the help he needed. I could never have done it and held down a full time job. Not with tribunals and legal stuff and seemingly endless paperwork having to prove a need that is already recorded in the plan.

Plus, KC needed therapy - desperately. So we took the year out. We homeschooled with a tutor who came three times a week, we had therapy in place and we let KC just be himself for a year. I always think if you are going to miss a year of secondary school then Year 8 is the one to miss. Just entering the dreaded teens, not quite sure of your own identity, easily led astray and still not ready to make decisions about GCSE options etc.

In KC's case it was a good move.

With the help of the virtual head (the person responsible for the education of all children still in care and those who have been adopted from care) we were able to identify a therapy school. With an amazing post adoption worker we were then able to access the therapy KC needed and the reports he required to get a place at said school. School then offered him a place and the Local authority refused to fund it. So we took them to tribunal. The day before we agreed to meet to mediate - they backed down and agreed a placement for KC at the school. This was in May of this year - only they couldn't start till September. But it gave us something to aim for.

Shortly after, TJ started to refuse to go to his mainstream school. So I had both boys at home. I had just finished one battle to get KC sorted and now began another to get TJ a school that met his needs. Which meant that we had to go back to the drawing board and work out what those needs were and then, more importantly, provide proof of those needs.

But, we then decided that rather than stress everybody out - what we would do is simply start the boy's summer holidays a few weeks early. They could both chill and gain some breathing space, whilst I sorted out the next steps.

Come July, both boys had school placements for September and we really could let the holidays begin.

KC has now been at his school for nearly a full half term and, thankfully, he loves it!

He did comment that he was no longer the 'naughtiest' boy in school but that seems to have helped his self confidence. Neither child brings any home work home - so that has been a huge relief on the stress levels in the house.

KC only goes to lessons he wants to - but surprisingly, he attends a lot by choice - because... he enjoys them. He talks about comic books and graphic novels in English, he learns about finances and shopping in maths,  he plays drums in his music lesson,he helps out with abused animals at a local shelter as part of Life Skills, he goes mountain biking and swimming for his PE and loves to learn how to cook on a Friday. It's been a huge eye opener - and although I understand its not an education that would work for everyone (TJ would hate it as he needs structure to his day), for the child who has suffered hideous trauma in his formative years to be able to make choices is incredibly empowering.

No, he may not get handfuls of GCSE's and he may not attend University - who knows? But then I don't think he would have achieved those in mainstream schools either. But what we do have a is a happy 13 year old, who leaves the house at 7.30 every morning with a smile on his face. And that is enough for me.

I'm Busy Doing Nothing...

So I've just had a meeting with our youngest's lovely headteacher.

He has had a bit of a difficult week which resulted in him falling out with another, boy. He has had a brilliant term - I know this because I have barely had to go into school since September, which is unheard of. Anyway, I won't go into details but suffice to say that TJ came off worse in the fight and had pulled out the 'I'm being bullied' card - which then had to be investigated. He's not being bullied - but he is being a little bit aggressive, especially over things that 'belong' to him. Like the football he kicked from a boy two years older - not a problem, except the boy was holding it at the time - and he retaliated.

So, the Head and I agreed that the best way forward was to get the two boys to apologise to each other and shake hands and be friends again - sometimes, the old fashioned ways are still the best.

But she also wanted to talk about the incredible progress TJ has made, both emotionally and educationally - he is doing really well. In many ways the 'scuffle' was a positive thing as TJ was showing that he was becoming more assertive, an individual and more of a 'normal' (for want of a better phrase) little boy.

I was quite relieved. Although he is being a little swine with me...

Last night he, KC and myself were chatting together in the car and KC asked who was cleverer, Papa or me? To which TJ immediately answered, 'Papa, of course, he has a job and goes to work - Daddy doesn't do anything."

I think my jaw nearly hit the floor - doubly so when KC reprimanded his younger brother saying, "you can't speak to Daddy like that!"

To which TJ replied, "But it's true - he doesn't do anything - he just sits at home all day."

It's funny because rather than get cross I went back to a similar conversation I had with my brother about our mum, she stayed at home as well - I think most mum's did back then, but we assumed that she did nothing as well. It's only now, as a parent, I realise just exactly how much she did for us.

Yes, I am studying and writing - but I enjoy those things and to TJ, it must just look as though I am playing on the computer. I enjoy cooking, as does TJ, so he doesn't see the preparing of meals as a chore. I'm quite tidy, as is he - so to him, I simply do the things he likes.

I told Papa about it and he was furious, really angry. Mainly because I didn't react. But I'm learning to choose my battles - one day, I may have to go away for work or to study and TJ will see exactly what I do - my getting cross with him would only have fed the argument he obviously wants to have.

Am I avoiding it?

Possibly - but my being called into school shows that he is going through a change of mood at the moment - and my rising to the bait, isn't going to do anything to lessen that.

Maybe I should have been cross - but instead I can write it here and get it out of my system.

On another note the Head Teacher also told me that, although she adores KC, taking him out of school was the best decision we could have made for TJ. Sometimes I wonder if we did the right thing so its nice to have it verified by a professional who know both boys.

Likewise as we travelled to KC's school this morning he looked at me and smiled, a truly joyful smile, "I love my school." he said simply.

Despite all the challenges that lie ahead for him, getting the SEN in place, a specialist school twice a week - he does truly love it there - so maybe we made the best decision for him as well.

Oh! What a Beautiful Morning...

It seems that my blogposts are often linked to a song or piece of music.

Perhaps it because so much tends to happen in the early hours, whilst breakfast is going on and the radio is on in the background. My boys both love routine and the radio gives that. The eldest knows when the 'children' come on the radio (Radio 2) that we have to go and catch the bus for his school and when the 8.30 news comes on, then the youngest knows that's the time we should be leaving for his more local school.

It was a tough decision to separate the boys schooling and to send them to different schools. When I shared that decision on a guest blogpost for BAAF I was called ruthless for trying to break the boys 'sibling bond' and had my first ever real homophobic abuse thrown at me.

But it's hard to write in a guest blog our reasonings behind it.

Once the boys had settled then we soon realised that their 'sbling bond' was a dysfunctional one-  meaning both boys relied on it but neither benefitted. One social worker simply said, "They should never have been placed together."

Of course, by now they had been placed together, they were our boys and we weren't going to give up on them, so, we fought and fought and eventually got both boys the access to therapy that they were promised but never given. That was invaluable - both for the children and for us.

Then once the older boy, KC, was due to be discharged from therapy the subject of his schooling was broached. Had we thought about separating the boys at school? They are only a year apart and at the local primary. KC was falling behind in his work, he is diagnosed dyslexic (not that that means anything in the state system - thank you Mr Gove) and was spending too much time worrying about his younger brother. TJ was, in turn, overly emotional, needing to know where his older brother was at all times and was also unable to function. He was placed on the autistic spectrum, although the therapists believe this is a result of his past trauma. We can only wait and see.

So Papa and I chatted with everyone who would listen, social workers, therapists, teachers and it was felt that KC would benefit from going to another small locally based school that specialises in dyslexic friendly learning. Great - except that it is private and not cheap. But we scrimp and save and got him there. TJ went into meltdown.

This was going to be hard.

TJ's school were incredibly understanding and put in place lots of help for him when he felt 'wobbly'. KC, on the other hand, settled into school quickly. It was as if the 'burden of parenthood' had been lifted from him. He didn't have to worry about his brother and now that we had identified his main learning difficuly he seemed to take it in his stride to try and overcome it. I had the realisation (I maybe wrong) that KC had simply stagnated - by which I mean he stopped his learning development at the point of his going into care. He was still functioning as a 4 year old both academically and emotionally but the new school could help him deal with that and could, as they put it, try to fill in the huge gaps in his learning as well as finding strategies to help him with his other difficulties.

Both boys are so brave.

For TJ he needed to know that I would be there for him, whenever he needed it. I finished working and stayed at home, on call. I started a little blog and began a psychology degree with the OU.

But whenever school called I went. and still do go. TJ had to realsie that when he needed help it would be me that came and not KC - he had to trust an adult. That was something he has never done - I still don't believe he fully trusts me or Papa - hopefully that will come.

Here we are nearly a year on and I suddenly realised how settled everything was - despite TJ's little meltdown last week. KC happily headed off to the school bus, suddenly gaining a new air of confidence and seeming very grown up. His school focusses on routine and KC loves that. Its very old fashioned in its ways but for KC it works. He is almost able to read independently. He is 9 now but a year ago and he wouldn't even have been able to differentiate the letters of the alphabet - so this is a big step. More improtantly when the brothers come home in the evening they share their day together - each telling the other about their new friends or things they have done.

TJ went into school this morning singing. Singing!

Oh What a Beautiful Morning, the Howard Keel classic, had been on the radio and I had sung along (I sing a lot) and on the way to school TJ was singing it too. As we neared the gate he turned to me and said, "Daddy, I can go in by myself." and for the first time ever he ran down the little path to the school gate while I stood back with the dog.

I now know how all those parents feel on the first day of school when children are 4. My youngest may be 8 - but today he took that first positive step to independence. A fellow parent said to me as I turned around, "Is he too embarrased to let you take him to school now?" I didn't want to say this is his first time going into school by himself, so I simply nodded and said, "Yes - don't you hate it when they get to that age."

As I walked home I suddenly felt really emotional. But finally I thought - the struggle of the past couple of years was actually beginning to pay off.

It really was a beautiful morning.

IDAHO and School...

TJ has been coming home from school this week concerned that other children were telling him that being gay is a bad thing. He is fairly open about most things and was quite happy to tell me that other boys had said that there was a 'gay' toilet in school and that TJ must be gay because he used it (I've no idea where this toilet is - but school can be a funny place), he then went on to say that people use the term gay in a derogatory sense in school (obviously he didn't use those exact words) but he did tell me that certain friends say that things are 'gay' when they mean they are rubbish...'That's so gay... etc'. Obviously, this is quite a common use of the word in today's youth speak but for TJ, at this current time in his life, it has different connotations. As he is coming to terms with acknowledging that his Dad's are gay and that there are gay people in his world to suddenly hear negative views must be very confusing for him.

I remember a couple of years ago I was asked to speak to our local council about bullying in primary schools - they were obsessed with cyber bullying and how to tackle that. When I brought up homophobic bullying in schools I was simply told, "That doesn't really happen in primary schools - its just a bit of banter at that age." and the conversation was moved on...

Well, as more and more gay parents send their children to state schools then schools have to recognise that the 'harmless banter' is incredibly hurtful and confusing to many of our children, especially as they become more aware of differences in family life.

TJ has been telling his friends that the reason he doesn't have a mum is because she is in prison for doing a variety of horrid things, one of which is smoking. I know this because his little friends told me and at that age they are obsessed with families that are different - be it a same sex family or a single parent family. At this stage my main concern for TJ is that he has gone from being confident about his family to lying about his background - this may also explain some of his recent 'acting out' in school.

The Sprog is getting more aware - someone said to me that children shouldn't be learning about this type of thing at such an early age, but on the flip side it is also said that if a child is old enough to ask then they are old enough to be told the truth - all be it in a child friendly way. So it was back to the book 'Let's Talk About Where Babies Come From' which covers a great range of families and how they are created. (In the USA its called 'It's Amazing') an excellent book that he can understand and which I think TJ can be introduced to now.

Interestingly today is IDAHO (International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia) and this morning I used the opportunity to broach the subject of homophobia with the children - how it was not ok to discriminate against anyone. The Sprog said, 'You mean like when people say that being gay is bad?""that's right," I replied at which point, to my horror, TJ said, "Gay... eeeeurgh! Gay is horrid!"

Wow! I had to stop, the Sprog stared at TJ with his mouth open. "You can't say that," he said, Daddy and Papa are gay, that makes them sad."

"Are they?" TJ asked and he looked at me questioningly. "Yes, we are," I replied. "What's gay?" asked TJ. "It's where two men or two ladies love each other," the Sprog told him, "It also means happy." he added. "Oh," TJ said, "I thought being gay meant being dead." He wouldn't be drawn any further on the conversation but I wonder if other kids have said 'Your Dads are gay' and he has assumed they mean dead, which again could explain some of his recent behaviours. Of course, I may be over thinking it... (that happens a lot!). But one thing is certain, homophobia and homophobic comments start at a very early age - and it needs to be discussed openly and honestly at both home and at school - after all we wouldn't allow racism at home or in school and this is exactly the same.

I sat with both boys and we talked about TJ's Godfather, who is very involved with the Pink Dot movement in Singapore and I explained that unlike England, in Singapore it is still not allowed for two men to love each other. The Sprog looked horrified, "but then Uncle wont be able to find someone he loves and get married," he said. "Well, Uncle is in love but no, he can't get married in Singapore," I told him, The Sprog ran and got his pink dot cushion that Uncle had given him, "So this means that men should be able to love each other?" he asked. "Yes, that's right," I said. "Then why doesn't Uncle come to live with us? That way he can be happy with his love." The Sprog said.

I wanted to point out that the very reason that Papa and I had come back as because we wanted to have a family and as the laws changed in the UK so it seemed the right time, Papa then got offered a job and we came. I didn't add that in Singapore our four years together were not recognised so Papa nearly had his partnership visa revoked - luckily we had friends in the British High Commission who were able to help us get together all the correct documents but it did mean that Papa and I rushed our civil partnership through in 6 weeks in order to ensure his visa was correct. To be honest his work visa would have come through in time for him to start his new career but if he lost his job then he would have had to have gone back so it was better to get a partnership visa. Once full gay marriage is approved we will have a proper ceremony as so many of our friends and family missed out on our rushed Civil Ceremony. But back to the kitchen.....

TJ was listening intently to it all... "Let me get this straight," he said in his serious grown up voice, "Being gay means two men that love each other, two ladies that love each other or being happy?" "Pretty much," I said. "So is the Candyman gay?" he asked.

The Candyman had just come on the radio - as it does every Friday on Radio 2.

I was a bit stunned... "I don't think Sammy Davis Junior was gay,"I told him. "I meant its a happy song," he said disparagingly, "and you said that gay also means happy."

"Yes, yes, this is a very gay song," I said. The Sprog looked at me, "So are you saying its good or bad?" (obviously we had gone full circle back to gay being a derogatory term). "What do you think?" I asked him.

"Its a good thing!" he replied smiling. And the three of us danced around the kitchen to 'The Candyman" - How gay is that?

In the meantime I shall keep an eye on developments in school for both kidss... and I will definitely let TJ stay up for Eurovision this weekend!