Friday, 26 April 2013

The Wedding - Part 4 - Keys

The wedding guests were all following each other to the venue. I got into a car with Mum and one of the other bridesmaids. We had to pop back to Mum's first so I could pick up my car keys as I was driving up to the venue myself, mainly because Papa doesn't drive and I had all the children and our clothes, as well as all the champagne, in the car ready to go, I also had lots of presents for the happy couple from various friends and family.

We arrived at Mum's, "Can I have the house keys?" I asked, "I left my keys in the downstairs toilet." (If you remember this was when I was washing my hands after juggling my nephew's snot and tissues.) My Mum looked at me and I saw the colour drain from her face. "I've left the keys with make up lady and told her to put them back through the letter box," she said. "Where is the spare set?" I asked. "On the coffee table where you left them after collecting them from Nanny's on Thursday." Now the colour drained out of my face. "So we have no way of getting into your house?" I said, "And I have no way of getting into my car?... Great."

Luckily the make up lady had securely locked every door and window - hooray!

We didn't know what to do. My Mum's neighbour came out and we agreed that she would get hold of an emergency locksmith and as soon as they had retrieved the keys they could call me and I would come back and pick up the our stuff and the champagne and Mum's keys, if it didn't happen by that day then Papa and I would be spending the weekend in our hired suits. Oh and, more importantly, there would be no champagne!

So we jumped back into the limo and sped off to the venue... Except we didn't speed anywhere as the taxi decided to take a route known only to ramblers. He went down tiny little lanes, he got stuck behind a tractor, he had to do a u turn. Then he suddenly remembered that on the printed directions it clearly said, "Do not follow sat nav - it will not bring you here."It was as we discovered this that we started to get phone calls from various people in various parts of Cheshire who were all following sat nav and were all lost - it was like a Treasure Hunt for people in posh clothes!

Nearly an hour later and we finally arrived - the poor bridesmaid was already now feeling sea sick and my Mum was panicking about what would happen if they had to break into her house. Just as we pulled up I saw my cousin who, being pregnant, would definitely still be driving later. We explained the situation and she offered to run me back to the house as soon as the keys were recovered. Luckily that was pretty soon as I had a text message saying that they keys were out, no windows had to be broken and they were with Mum's neighbour. My cousin and I jumped in the car and made the 25minute (non sat nav) journey back to Mum's house.

My cousin and I had a lovely chat on the way - she drives like a maniac - which was useful in the situation and I'm sure when she needs a new career as a rally driver she will be in hot demand. And her language - goodness me, I learned lots of new swear words. We drove past a lovely looking garden centre and I made the mistake of saying how nice it looked - to which she replied, "Stop that now - you are a parent, you are not retired!" and carried on driving.... An old man in his Toyota pulled out in front of us.. "Oi Yaris" she shouted, "I've two words to say to you, the second one is 'off'.. you can choose the first!"I sat quietly for the rest of the journey...

We got to Mum's and sure enough the keys were out. One of Mum's neighbours has an industrial magnet and he simply put it through the letter box on a string and pulled the keys back out. I don't know anyone else who has an industrial magnet in their garage but thank goodness my Mum's neighbour does!

I jumped into my car and went back to the venue. As I pulled up I realised that everyone was already seated and they were waiting to be fed - but they couldn't start because I wasn't there.... I'm sure that made me very popular - firstly my sister made them wait in the church and now they were waiting to be fed - there was a lot of waiting that day.... and I did a lot of driving!!!!!!!

But we all sat down to a traditional afternoon tea - canapes, sandwiches, sausage rolls, hot buttered crumpets and cream cakes - it all went along with the summer theme. It was lovely and very civilised.

We then got up to do the speeches. I was going first and I can honestly say I was terrified - it really is scary talking in front of so many people, especially when so many of them know you and are quite happy to heckle. But it seemed to go ok - and people laughed in the right places and seemed to enjoy it - I don't think I went on for too long and lots of people afterwards said how much they enjoyed it - although they may have just been too polite to say any different.

My poor brother in law on the other hand was so nervous he could barely speak - but he was lovely and everything he said came from the heart - which is what a good groom's speech should be. I think my sister liked it - although she did keep telling him to 'speak up' - but he's going to have to get used to being bossed around - after all he married her!

The Best Man was rude and funny and everything that best men should be - it was a lovely atmosphere... and in reality he was as nervous as I was - when we compared notes afterwards we realised that we were probably the only people in the room who hadn't had a drink yet (excepting my pregnant cousin of course). Looking back we needn't have worried - even my Uncle kept quiet and didn't heckle - although my Aunt tells me that was because she had her hand tightened around his nether regions and if he looked like he was about to say something she would just give him a little squeeze to remind him of the consequences - I think that is the secret of many a happy marriage - knowing who is in control....

By now we were all ready to party....

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