Wednesday, 18 September 2013

The Wrong Trousers...

Yesterday I received a package through the door.

I say 'I' as the package wasn't actually addressed to anyone - it just had our address on it.

But as I was at home I decided that it would be rude not to open it - besides it will be my birthday in a couple of weeks - so it may have been a present (or that was my logic)

I opened the package and out fell a pair of black trousers.

That was it. No note, no explanation.... just a pair of men's black trousers.

Now, I knew they weren't mine, despite my poor memory I would hope to think that I could recall losing trousers - besides they weren't jeans so they definitely weren't mine!

They obviously didn't belong to the boys, which left me with one option.... Papa!

I spent the day going over Papa's obvious infidelities. A spurned lover had obviously returned his trousers. Or it was a current lover that wanted me to know about the illicit affair and had therefore posted a pair of Papa's trousers for me to find and him to explain. This would lead to his admission of guilt and love for the other man and he would be in tears as I cut up the rest of his suits and threw them on the front step before calling the divorce lawyer... I really have to stop watching Coronation Street! ( I think Eastenders would have made a funnier tagline there but no gay man watches Eastenders whereas Corrie....)

By lunch time I was practically tearing my hair out... well, Bargain Hunt was on and the stupid couple had gone for an over priced piece of Moorcroft! Why! Why? Why!

Papa sent a message - "I've just been winked at by a guy in my office - still got it!" I counter texted by telling him the guy probably had a twitch, or something in his eye - who says romance is dead!

I then asked him about the trousers... silence...

"I don't know what you are talking about." came the reply. "Check the size - they might have gone to the wrong address."

I did just that and there under the label was a name - neatly stitched in. It was our nephew, the one from Singapore who went to posh boarding school. But why had his trousers come to our house.

I went onto Facebook. Nephew is now back home and about to go into the army to do his national service, although why Singapore bothers is beyond me. If anyone wanted to do the city state harm they would simply turn off the water. After all a country with no natural resources is kind of reliant on its neighbours, but on the upside it does produce a lot of handsome, muscular young men - which I'm sure keeps the pink pound rolling in. Singapore may not be exactly tolerant of gay people, but if they are spending money then I'm sure that the Singapore government will forgive anything.

Mind you they have a lot of work making a muscular young man out of the nephew. He does like his food, particularly michelin starred food - which tends to be on the rich side - in both senses of the word! (I'm sure he'll forgive me for saying that - and I know he will have a great time and probably come out of the army in great shape - his Uncle definitely did! Well, actually he didn't as he was a storesman, but dont tell the kids - they think he was a war hero!)

Anyway, the riddle of the trousers was solved. Although now there was another issue.

"Why do we have your trousers?" I asked nephew.

"I took them off in my 'friends' car after a party," came the reply.

I laughed. Papa didn't. "What was he doing taking his trousers off?" Papa screamed when I told him. "He was probably just changing." I said. "He had better have been, we were supposed to be his guardians!"

I tried to explain that nephew was already an adult and in the army now - surely if he wanted to take his trousers off, for whatever reason, that was his business.

"Not when he is under my guardianship" came the Draconian reply. "What's my sister going to say?"

I let it lie...

God help our kids when they get old enough to leave their clothes in other peoples cars....

Actually, yes! God help them...

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