December

December is a funny old month for us.

Alongside all the usual festivities we have a barrel load of family issues to deal with.

December is a month of birthdays (not just Jesus') and also marks the deaths of both my parents, so all the talk of family celebrations can really hit home.

I swing from Christmas love and festive cheer to a Scrooge like bitterness on a daily basis. Today as I listened to the radio I was suddenly gripped by a dreadful sense of envy as we listened to various celebrities telling us how they were dreading the trips back home to see their familes - for whatever comical reason, mum's cooking, dad's jokes etc etc and yet I was filled with a sense of sadness that we haven't got that family to go back to.

Of course we have Ed's family and they are amazing, but a Singapore Christmas just doesn't quite hit home for me (maybe that's my problem) and Ed would rather go home for Chinese New Year (which is completely understandable).

When we first adopted the boys we always said we would spend Christmas with my family and CNY with Ed's - so the boys had a sense of a cultural link with both families.

I wish the boys would have known my dad and they loved my mum, so at least they have memories - it was strange when we were Christmas shopping the other day, KC turned to me and said, 'The last time we were in this store was with Granny.' - the strangest things remind us.

We didn't tell KC that Granny died the day before his birthday - we saved the news until after, I don't know if that was a good idea - one day we will tell him the truth I guess.

So we go from anniversaries to birthdays.

KC has just turned 13 - and boy do we know it! He still hasn't got a school at the minute so I'm in the midst of battling the Local Authority to make sure he has a placement in the New Year - although that now seems unlikely as the council begin to break up for Christmas - honestly, our local authority seems to have more holidays than school!

But they now have placed a tutor with us and he is back in therapy - so we must count our blessings. Although sometimes I don't feel particulalrly blessed.

Still, TJ is doing well - he breaks up from school today and last night he went to his carol service - by himself - he was so proud of that! I had to stay home with KC, who is on self harm watch... more festive fun!

Next week marks the anniversary of my Dad's untimely death, he was only 53 and I am fast approaching the same age - as Papa keeps reminding me. I know he is only joking but it dos worry me. I'm now on a pre Christmas keep fit binge!(my goal is not to be asked to be Santa at next year's school fayre!!!!)

I do have incredibly fond memories of childhood Christmasses - big family events, parties with my cousins, all linked by grandparents, although they were inevitably organised by one of my industrious Aunts. We never had a house big enough to host everyone (or that was my Mum's excuse anyway).

Maybe I'm just over romanticising things - but I do worry that the boys won't have the same fond memories, just boring Christmasses at home with us.

I guess we have to create our own traditions.

Then we have the big day itself closely followed by my nephew's birthday on Boxing Day and TJ's birthday on the 28th - all before New Year kicks in.

It's Papa's bithday in January that marks the closure of the birth day/death anniversary mix up for us - and then we go into Chinese New Year - where we can hopefully, relax and enjoy a family event and the boys can enjoy being with their grandparents and Papa's family.

I want to focus on the positives, on the joys of Christmas but every now and then I have to stop and indulge in a little reminiscing, maybe as we get older that becomes the focus of this time of year.

I love Christmas but I dread December.

I miss my parents.

Holding out for a Hero!

This week was parents evening at school. And, as expected, I ended up being there for over an hour. I always book in the last few slots and ensure that I am at the end. It's not that I am overly concerned but I am fully aware that my kids will take up quite a bit of 'discussion' time and I would hate have to follow me. I know this from experience, in our first parents evening I took quite an early slot and ended up with a group of 'politely' angry parents sitting behind me, waiting their turn and discussing (quite loudly) how long I had been there. I now get there the day the signing up sheets go on the board and check that I am at the very end!

There was a lot of discussion this week about Special Needs programmes, for both kids now though. We always knew that TJ has a learning difficulty through his special needs and that Lea was a bit delayed, due to her experiences in early life. However, recently, Lea has been slipping further and further behind and we have had a series of assessments - which have resulted in a diagnosis of a severe form of dyslexia which effects her memory, number and word recognition. But the school were great in showing me where to get help and in putting in one to one tuition for her from next term. Lea was so pleased when we sat her down and explained what it all meant. She simply looked at me and Papa and said, 'Well, at least I know why I am stupid now." My heart went out to her and we sat with her to explain that she wasn't stupid but that she had a problem that we could now help her with. In many ways I am so relieved to know that it is a 'condition', to be honest, we were beginning to worry. After all, no matter what he has been through in her short life, we still have to help her get on with the future and she has to learn how to cope. I'm sure all parents feel the same...

On a lighter note, whilst I was looking through TJ's work I came cross a page in his literacy work which  had focussed on the heroes and heroines in our lives. Last year Lea had completed the same work and had noted that her hero was Michael Jackson, to which the teacher added the comment, 'an interesting choice.' I don't know where his love of MJ comes from but I am introducing her to the incredible "Off the Wall' album before she gets caught up in the Thriller video (which I think has a lot to do with her love of the star.) However, I digress, TJ had this year chosen his hero - and it was me! He had written, 'My Daddy is my hero because he stops me from falling down and hurting myself." Then he had added, 'And Papa is too." (I chose not to see that last bit - obviously it was all about me!).

But it shows that TJ does have deep feelings for us - he is a very withdrawn child who is not open to expression, he hates cuddles and kissing - such a boy! But it also stems from his special needs. However, for him to publicly recognise us is a huge step - and following on from his Mother's Day drawing of us it does give us hope that we are doing the right things....