Cyber-Bullying - the title says it all!

ŴSo this week our youngest was subjected to cyber bullying.

It's not something I've ever really experienced. Of course, as adoptive parents we are extra careful around social media and attend various lectures and training regarding it's use but this is the first time it has really hit home.

Essentially, we gave both boys mobile phones for Christmas - under the strict instructions that they were not allowed social media accounts - not only because most social media companies insist on a 13 year old age limit but also because we are aware of the dangers of their being approached not only by strangers but also by birth family members. Whilst we are cute happy to eventually look for birth parents, we want to do it when the children are ready and not when one of their 'do-good' friends decides to help them - although I can easily see that happening one day in the future.

Anyway, I came down to find TJ sitting on the stairs, holding his phone and crying. I knew something was amiss.

Eventually he gave me the phone and showed me what the other children in his class were saying to him via a text messaging group. It was awful. He was a cry baby - he cried when they poked and punched him in class - he ran away. He didn't play football he played 'face-plant' when they tripped him up. He was 'a gay' - a 'real gay' - just heaps of nasty stuff.

What worried us was not only the tone of the language used and the cruelty and cold calculated way in which they pursued him - but the threats of real physical violence to him.

Remember, TJ is very small for his age, he is on 'the spectrum (don't you hate that term) and is currently starting medical investigations to look into the reasons behind all this (see previous post on the visit to the Doctor).

So we reported it to the school and they naturally investigated everything fully.

I was called in and the headteacher explained all that had been going on. That the other boys in his class had all been watching YouTube videos about 'roasting' and decided to set up a chat group entitled 'Roasters' in which they would pick on a boy (in this case TJ) and proceed to roast him... Such fun. I'm sure Kenny Rogers never thought of this when he set up the chicken restaurant!

But what was most surprising was that at the end of it all, the headteacher told us that all the children who had been 'roasting' Tyler were at a party together and... this was the bit that stunned me... they were with their parents and yet the parents didn't know anything about it - it just goes to show that we all have to watch exactly what our kids are up to when they are on their mobile devices. If kids want to make mischief, they will find a way to do it.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become an over-protective helicopter parent, hovering around making sure my kids are completely safe. We can only do our best I guess.

I don't know.

Still TJ was happy to go to school and happy to leave his phone at home!!!!!

My Son is Ashamed of Me...

My son is ashamed of me...

That took a lot to type. I've been wondering all morning whether to write this blog entry or not - I even went to the gym to mull it over whilst pounding the treadmill... and as I found out this weekend I really must be 'pounding' the treadmill.

Let me elaborate.

My eldest, KC, who is 9, went to a friend's party at the weekend, the friend's mum called and asked if I wouldn't mind helping out as she had invited an awful lot of children. I didn't mind, I explained that I would have TJ with me and she kindly offered for him to come to the party as well. KC wasn't too pleased when he heard, complaining that TJ goes to loads of parties (which is true) whereas KC goes to very few (also true) so why should TJ get to go to this one.

I explained the situation and that I was going to be helping out anyway and TJ would most likely stay with me for the entire party.

We left...

On the way there KC suddenly said, "When we get here can you tell everybody that you are my uncle and TJ is my cousin?"

I nearly drove the car straight into a tree I was so taken aback.

"What do you mean?" I asked, "What's wrong with people knowing I'm your dad and TJ is your brother?"

"I just don't want anyone to know my business," he replied.

I decided to leave it. "We'll talk about this when we get home." I said and we went to the party.

The party was chaos. The kids (30 of them) were off the wall and most of the parents, who had been drafted in to help, like me, stayed glued to the bar whilst myself, the boy's mother and an aunt ran around doing everything - even the party organisers were dreadful. But the kids had a good time, which I suppose is the main thing. Except that at the end of the party I saw KC behaving appallingly and ensuring that none of his friends would play with TJ. I appreciate sibling rivallry and all of that (I was no angel to my little brother) but KC was off the wall - jumping on things, climbing on stuff that was quite dangerous and being openly mean. I had never seen him behave like this before.

I told him to come inside, I wasn't going to tell him off in front of everyone. He looked sheepish, "There," I said, "Now everyone knows I'm your dad because I have just had to bring you in. You have two choices, you either stay and play nicely with your brother, or we go home now."

He opted to go home. So we said our thank you's and goodbyes and left.

Later that evening, whilst TJ watched TV, KC and I sat down with Papa to have a chat.

"Why didn't you want people to know that Dad is your dad?" Papa asked.

"Because I wanted to spare his feelings," KC said in an obviously rehearsed manner.

"Spare his feelings?" Papa asked. I just sat listening.

"Yes," KC went on, "I didn't want my friends to laugh at him because he is so fat."

At this point the bottom fell out of my world. I was stunned.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm no slim Jim and since we had a family I have definately put on a bit, well, a lot of weight, but to hear that your own child is ashamed of you is dreadful.

He went on, "My friends all laugh at fat people and I didn't want them to laugh at Daddy."

"What about TJ," I asked, "Why did you pretend he was your cousin?"

"Because TJ is small and looks weird," came the shocking reply.

I was absolutely lost for words. We haven't explained TJ's disabilities to either boy yet, I'm thinking it may be time soon, I just need to pick the right time - it could crush TJ's self confidence, or it could empower him - I don't know which way the coin will fall yet.

TJ has a form of dwarfism, coupled with possible Foetal Alcohol Syndrome, which effects his appearance - although to me he is gorgeous. Being on the autistic spectrum means he finds social gatherings difficult - but he tries really hard.

But at this point in time I was concerned with where all this was coming from KC. I decided to be honest with him.

"You're not worried about what people think of me, I said, "You are worried about what people will think of you - let's get that point sorted first. If you were worried about me then you would stand up to your friends and tell them you don't care how your Dad or your brother look, but by asking us to lie, then you were only protecting yourself. After all, would it have been ok for these 'friends' to laugh at me and TJ if we were your uncle and cousin."

He shook his head, knowing his argument was flawed.

"There's a boy at school who is fat," he went on, "And some other boys call him names."

"Do you call him names?" I asked.

"No,' came the reply, "But I don't say anything, I'm just glad it's not me."

"Not doing anything is as bad as taking part," I told him, "You have to help him, how would you feel if people laughed at you?"

"That's why I don't eat lunch," he said, "I don't want to get fat."

What??? He's not eating lunch??? He is 9!!!!!!

"I'm on a diet," he said.

We went on to talk about body shapes, different types of people, and the fact that he was an incredibly active little boy who didn't need to watch what he ate just yet. He doesn't have fizzy drinks, occassionally he has crisps and junk food is a treat. I told him all of these things and they seemed to get through to him.

This morning as we were getting ready for school he packed his snack box, "I'll just have two pieces of fruit today," he said.

Now I'm wondering if we got through to him at all.

Either way a call to the school is definately needed and I am back at the gym!