Why don't we have a mum?...

Why do children always want to talk about the most important things when you are rushing to do something else?

In our case we were late for school - as usual. We only live over the road from the school so why we always leave it to the last minute to get out of the door amazes me. Today was just the same as any other day except that as we were crossing the road TJ suddenly says, "Why did you choose my name?"

"Well, to be honest, we didn't choose your name," I replied, "Your birth mum did.. but we chose you." and I smiled re-assuringly (as all the adoption manuals recommend). "Anyway," I went on, "we chose your middle name together, remember?"

"I don't like my name." TJ replied simply.

Immediately all my psychological warning bells went off (guess what I am studying for) and I know that usually when a child says they don't like something as fundamental as their name then it usually shows they don't like themselves - self esteem issues are high on the agenda for many adopted children.

We walked a little bit slower now as I felt a conversation was about to come on - a conversation that had to be raised by TJ, not led by me (even though I was desparate to).

"Why don't we have a mum?"

Great, we have five minutes before the school gate is closed and he asks me this. Oh well, if we are late then so be it - this needed to be discussed.

"Well," I said, "You do have a mum but she couldn't look after you and so you went into care while the social workers found you a new family. Daddy and Papa also wanted a family and we chose you. So you are very lucky, you were chosen, not many children can say that."

I breathed out after giving what is pretty much my standard reply to this question when it ever comes up. But then came his retort, "But we didn't choose you, nobody asked me what I wanted."

"And what did you want?" I asked. As soon as this came out of my mouth I knew that I was not going to like the reply. But it was quite insightful of him - they do say that children are usually a little bit older before they realise that in order to have be 'chosen' you first have to have been rejected by another family. Rejection is probably the wrong word to use but I can't find one that sums up how they would feel. In many ways I was glad that TJ was able to feel safe enough to have this conversation even though I knew I wasn't going to like what came next.

"I wanted a mum." he said, "I think I would have liked to have a mum."

" I know you would sweetie," holding his hand, "I know you would have liked to have a mum, but lots of children come from different families - some have one mummy, some one daddy, some have two mummies and some two daddies - like you."

"I know all that," he replied knowingly, 'I'm just saying that when I get older and get to choose my next family I'm going to have one with a mum."

"Well, unfortunately, this is the only family you're going to have mister," I said, probably a bit too strictly, "so get used to it... besides, this family loves you and I would be very sad if you went somewhere else."

He thought about this, "Do you think my birth mum was sad that I had to leave her?"

Where had all this come from?

"I think she probably was," I said, "But she knew she wasn't able to give you the love and care you needed to she knew it was better for you to be adopted and we told her we would love you."

"Do you think she would get me a new football?" he asked, "A blue one?"

"Well, maybe we could get you one this weekend," I replied.

"Good," he said with a smile, "because I want one of those."

And with that he rushed into school just as the gates were closing.

I was left standing there in a slight state of shock. Had my youngest child just used his adoptive story to manipulate me into promising him a new football? Possibly, but either way he was sharing a deep feeling with me - whether he knew it or not and I think that deserves a new football....

Three Days and Counting...

TJ has just returned from Football club... apparently he had to play football in his school shoes and school coat as his tracksuit top and trainers were not in his football bag. Last night, whilst I was in the midst of my cooking frenzy, Papa had one job - to sort the kids out for school. When I went to say goodnight, they were still in their old pyjamas, their hair hadn't been washed and now I find that the football bags were not packed properly. Somehow, according to TJ, all of this is my fault! He is now in a huffy mood with me because of this... I told him that Papa packed his bag and not me, but that is not the point... the point is that I should have known about this before TJ was so excrutiatingly embarrassed at school. Of course, Papa can do no wrong... ever!!!!!!!!!!!

Its three sleeps until we fly to Singapore for Chinese New Year. We are all getting a bit excited...

Well, excitement mixed with a little bit of fear. The children are obviously anxious about the journey - it's a long way and TJ always gets anxious about any form of journey. I suppose that comes from being moved around by social workers etc in his early life. We just have to keep re-assuring him.

Mind you, last year, he spent most of the 14 hour flight playing with the handset by his seat - he loved the fact that it controlled the TV and he could play computer games with it. He loved the light that went on and off whenever he pressed a switch and most of all, he loved that when you pressed the picture of a little man that a lady turned up (that confused him) and, because he was so small and so cute, he would get food or sweets brought to his very own seat, he didnt even need to move! The stewardess obviously did not know of TJ's Little Lord Fauntleroy complex and eventually she soon tired of his constant demands - and believe me there were many. Apparently, she is not hired to take care of  every whim of a small boy. Much to TJ's indignation, so he had to settle with visiting the toilet every 10 minutes and grading it on levels of cleanliness - as you know this is his favourite hobby... sigh.

We always take the night flight - so luckily he soon tired (well, after about 2 hours he tired) and he slept most of the way after that. KC on the other hand discovered movies on demand - movies Daddy and Papa don't let him watch. So we ended up in a battle of wills - both trying to see who would go to sleep first. He was desparate for us to sleep so he could tune into the latest gory action thriller, whilst we were desparate for him to go to sleep so that we could tune in to the same show without a small pair of eyes drifting to our TV screen - I can only watch so much Disney Club or Big Time Rush! In the end we settled on letting him watch Johnny English - the Rowan Atkinson spy spoof. He thought that was very grown up and watched it on loop throughout the entire flight. Personally, I think he was asleep, despite his eyes being glued to the screen.

Heaven knows how this flight will go!

Rabbit, Rabbit.....

So the children adopted their bunnies. Two gorgeous little dwarf rabbits that underwent a variety of names ranging from Vlad to Spider-Man to Halloween Monster but eventually we settled on Ginger (for the ginger rabbit) and Shadow (for the black one).

Oddly enough the kids selected rabbits that reflected their own personalities. Ginger has proven to be the bossy dominant bunny ( much like KC) whereas Shadow mirrors TJ in that he is much shyer and less happy to be handled. But the kids have been very good. I made sure they left the bunnies alone for the first couple of days and after that time had passed they sat quietly with their rabbits whilst I made sure they learned how to handle them. TJ was thrilled today when Shadow hopped to him without fear and ate the dried apple treat from the palm of his hand. No sooner had Shadow finished nibbling when TJ popped the rest of the treat into his mouth. "Mmmmm, it's lovely," he said as I looked on horrified. " Can I have this for lunch tomorrow?" I would love to be a fly on the wall when the dinner staff watch him nibbling on rabbit treats. Still it's probably healthier than crisps!

Today was one of my 'called into school' days. We have only been back a day after the half term break and in I was called. There is much concern about our older child. He is simply unable to retain information and the worrying thing is that the younger one is now overtaking the older in terms of academic ability. This, of course, has the undesired effect of reducing KC 's self esteem to a ridiculously low level. The school want to work with me to find a way to help him start to rebuild his confidence. It's hard for him as he was the main focus of his birth families abuse and therapy simply brings all those memories, the ones that he has tried to suppress, to the surface. It must be so hard to remember inconsequential things such as times tables or reading when your brain is dealing with such horrific memories.

However, in his favour, the school did comment that his dramatic skills were really good and he had a flourishing imagination, something he didn't have when she came into the school. Apparently, he was unable to have original thoughts a year ago and relied on tv for ideas. Since we cancelled satellite tv his mind has started to work independently and he is creating her own stories. I can now see the damage tv was doing to his unformed mind, it allowed him to escape his past but didn't allow him to see any positive future. That sounds a bit priggish, and I don't mean it to. I am only speaking from KC's perspective and am not judging kids who love tv. I think tv is great for children who have not suffered trauma, but in our case it was proving to cause more damage than good.

However, tonight the kids came home and both went to their rooms, not out of choice but because I grounded them. They had invented a new version of football... One that involved using my French windows as a goal!!! Normality has definitely resumed in our household......... Maybe tv isn't so bad after all!