Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Divide and Conquer...

So this is an area where adopted children are said to excel - they experience it from very early on in their lives and soon become used to power struggles and maintaining their own safety - its a kind of defence mechanism I guess.

If the parents are busy fighting each other then they wont be taking their anger out on the kids... its awful to think that comes as an inbuilt device for so many in the care system.

Unfortunately, our youngest is king of this and it is now continuing in school - yesterday I was told that he practically held his teacher's to ransom - he was not going to do his test unless they allowed him to rebuild his castle - and he was adamant - he even held his ground until the teachers gave in. Whilst a part of me admires that grit and  can't resist  a smile at imagining him bargaining with his teachers - there is another part that worries about his distinct lack of concern for anyone in authority. Again, when you have been in care you are pretty much invincible- everything you say is listened to and given weight - particularly when it is aimed at adults - after all, unlike birth children, everyone who comes into contact with these children is paid to do a role and is therefore scrutinised constantly. Our eldest is now using his therapy as means of dividing Papa and myself-  or attempting to. He reports things to his therapist expecting there to be action when Papa or I don't behave as he wants us to - ie. we tell him off, apparently shouting is a big 'no no'. His therapist and I are now discussing whether this is now a good time to put his therapy on hold for a while - in order for him to have to trust us and not the professionals.

I sat him down this morning, shortly after the two kids threw apple juice over each other and informed them that they would be shouted at if they behaved so badly - and that if shouting was so upsetting then maybe they should try being good and nobody would have to shout... I must admit I was at my wits end with them both! (I'm pretty sure that is not in the 'good parenting guide')

Papa and I had a big chat last night - mainly about parenting and how it has changed our lives - not always for the good. I hate to admit it but there are times when we think that our lives would have been so much easier without all this hassle. We sat down and tried to remember why we wanted to do this - I can honestly say we couldn't but we knew we were committed to these children and somehow we had to ensure that they didn't play us against each other - as they are doing...

Its obvious that KC sees me as the soft touch - but I have seen him at his lowest, I've picked him up off the floor when it all got too much and sat with him as he sobbed about his past.  I can relate to him as he is so open with his feelings - now... it took me a long time to get him there but now he needs to move on and (I hate to say it ) but grow up.

TJ on the other hand is tiny - due to a condition - and as such plays his size off against any form of discipline - he can turn the tears on at the drop of a hat, but the tears don't mean anything. He is very withdrawn and does respond to Papa, I think because they are both more reserved and I have to be careful not to push TJ away - but again, we have a tendency to treat him as a baby and heap so many expectations on our older child....  we cannot play favourites although I'm sure the children know which one of us favours which child....

Parenting is hard and, I'm not looking for sympathy - just sharing, adopting can be a nightmare!!!!!!

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