The Truth? - I can't Handle It...

'Why do people abuse children?"

That was the question KC gave to me as soon as we got into the car and drove off to TJ's tuition lesson.

What is it with him and questions at the moment? And why are they always asked at the most innappropriate times?

I decided to postpone my answer. It's a tactic I use a lot.

"Can we talk about this whilst TJ is at his class" I said. "We can go for a Costa cake and have a chat."

KC seemed satisfied with this and the two of them sat chatting merrily in the back about the benefits of Minecraft.

We dropped TJ off and walked down to the local branch of Costa (other coffee stores are available but much further to walk to.)

We sat down - I had a skinny latte (I am being good) whilst KC had a huge piece of chocolate cake and a fizzy drink - he is not being so good.

"So," He looked at me.

"Don't worry I haven't forgotten," I said.

This had all come about because he had heard a news report that stated that thousands of known child abusers were probably going to escape any form of police intervention - simply because there are too many of them - abusers, not police. I'd like to say I am shocked - but I'm really not. I don't think anything shocks me anymore. Horrified, yes, disgusted, absolutely - but shocked... not really.

I thought back to the time during our introductions when we were told that the people who abused our children would not be prosecuted as the children were too young to be 'reliable' witnesses in the eyes of the prosecution service. Then I sat there shouting at the social workers - telling them that they all knew what was going on and now the perpetrators were going to get away with it?

"That's how child abuser's work," I was told calmly. "They know the police are unlikely to get a conviction - and the younger the child the less likely there will be any hope of a prosecution."

I was shocked then...

My eldest still believes that 'the people who did bad things' are in prison. They are not. One look at Facebook told me that. They are out there, living their lives - with new families.

I came back into the room and my son was looking at me expectantly across our hot drinks.

How was I going to handle this one? I couldn't tell him that all child abusers are evil - that would include his family - would he then think it included him? I opted for the sick route...

"People who do nasty things to children are very ill," I began, "They need help."

KC stopped me, "But the children need help too," he said, "Who do they ask for help? Does anyone listen to them?"

I was stunned. Was he now talking about himself? Was he finally opening up to me - it's something I thought I wanted him to do - In therapy they tell us that as parents we make the best therapists but I'm also terrified of hearing what happened to him from.. well, from him. It's one thing to read documents and listen to social workers, it's another to actually hear it from your child.

I think he read my fear. That sounds strange but he almost seemed to want to change the subject - he knew I was uncomfortable - and I felt awful that he had picked up on it. He decided to talk to me about his school day... I listened and nodded my head sagely at his problems with maths - I didn't actually hear a word...

Abuse was part of his life - part of what makes him who he is. I don't want it to define him and I'm sure he will cope with whatever life throws at him but it is there and, no matter how hard I try, I can't erase that - no parent of a child adopted from the care system can. I just wanted to make it all go away - but for him or me?

I'm ashamed to say that when he changed the subject I let him... I didn't want to go to his darkest places - not just yet.

Now I've just made myself cry...

Next time I'll be better prepared - I just hope I get some warning...

Fun at the Tower

So I haven't been online for a while but we are now back from our travels and normal service should resume.

After a three week stay in Singapore and Thailand we have a few days left and decided to stay in London for a couple of days and do the touristy stuff to help us get over jet lag.

Yesterday we decided to brave the Tower of London.

We left bright and eatly, which isn't a problem as due to jet lag we were all up at around 5am so by 9 it felt like we had been up for hours.

Off we went on the dlr and even though the Tower had just opened we joined the long queue.

TJ wasn't impressed. He had been to Leeds castle in Kent with his school and is, therefore, an expert on all castles and did not need to see another one. But we persuaded him that we would see the Crown Jewels and lots of other things, plus the gift shop was probably very different to the one at Leeds castle. He agreed to accompany us.

The day was lovely,  the sun was out and it was not too hot, especially after the heat in Asia. We managed to avoid the huge queue for the Crown Jewels that built up during the day, if you are planning a trip my advice is to go early and do the jewels first, the queue by lunchtime was nearly two hours long. We waited for twenty minutes.

Towards the end of the day KC decided he wanted to visit the torture chamber, which also had a long queue. As we got closer to the door TJ decided he didn't want to go in, probably due to the constant descriptions given by his older brother of the way the instruments of torture worked. Papa agreed to take TJ for an ice cream while KC and I went into the chamber.

There were two ladies with their daughters behind us in the queue. When TJ left one said to me, "is he a bit worried, it really isn't that scary," it was very sweet of her and I explained that TJ is quite sensitive about these things and the descriptions given by his brother didn't help. She laughed and went back to chatting with her friends and their children.

The queue was quite long and the ladies were chatting quite loudly, so we couldn't help but over hear them. Particularly when they started talking about child abuse.

I'm sure it wasn't meant with any harm but KC suddenly went very quiet.

The ladies daughter was complaining about the time they spent queuing and the parents made the usual jokes about if the girls were so bored then they could call childline to report their parents for child cruelty in bringing their children to the tower and making them queue. This of course then led onto questions from the children about what Childline was and how it worked. So the louder of the two mums began explaining in great detail about children whose parents really abused them, what those nasty mummies and daddies did and how lucky her daughter was that she would never have to call Childline. The daughter asked what would happen if she did call and the answer was that she would be taken away and adopted by another family... And how would she like that?

I was in a horrible position. KC was obviously listening, he was quiet and no matter how much I tried to distract him or talk about something else he was glued to the other conversation.

I didn't know if I should ask the ladies to stop talking to their children about this as I would then have to explain why... And that wouldn't be fair on KC, so I chose to try and ignore it.

Even now I don't know if I did the right thing but how would making the lady feel awful make any difference.

We got to the chamber and KC raced through the small room and out the other side, I don't think he really took anything in. He just wanted to move on.

I stopped outside with him and asked if he was ok, "I'm fine, ' he said, 'can we get an ice cream now?'

I couldn't deny him that... Even at £3 a pop!