Thursday, 11 September 2014

Contact Letter Time... and Facebook!

Its that time of year again.

Time to write our annual contact letter to birth mum, not that she has ever responded but I do it anyway to ensure that in the years to come when the boys decide to look for their birth family (and I'm sure they will) they know that we did our best to keep birth mum informed.

Its always such a difficult letter to write. We are told to keep it brief, not to go into any personal details and to make sure it is positive - don't dwell on any of the problems we face on a daily basis or in any way blame the birth family for causing those problems.

There's a part of me that just wants to say "You caused this mess, you destroyed our children's lives and ruined their childhood, you could have stopped the abuse at any time - but you didn't - surely you should be writing to me and thanking us for giving them any hope of a future!" Of course I don't. I say they are doing well at school, we had a great time on holiday, they love sports and games... stuff like that. It basically becomes a completely rose tinted view of our lives. A facebook view of adoption.

Facebook - love it or hate it, its part of our lives.

There will come a time when the boys end up online and so this week I did the inevitable - I looked birth mum up on Facebook... and there she was.

Her whole life displayed publicly - no privacy settings.

I went through it all, eating it up, reading everything about her - desparately trying to find something about the children - not just ours but also the others she has had removed and have been adopted elsewhere.


Not one mention.

Just lots of lovely pictures of her with her friends and her (and I guess the boys') family. Lots of parties and pets - the usual pictures a young woman would put up on Facebook.

At first I was relieved that she wasn't showing any interest in the whereabouts of her children. I think I had been afraid to look before because I was worried that it would be filled with pictures of our kids as babies with her desparately pleading for someone to help find them.

And then I was saddened by it.

What would the boys think when they eventually see this? (Which won't be for a long time, but its bound to happen and I'd rather it was with me and papa to help them navigate it rather than for them to take a sneaky peak when no-one is looking) - how are they going to feel when they see that they aren't even mentioned?

Of course, I get that it may be too painful for her and that not everyone shares their lives on Facebook (although some of the stuff she did share seemed incredibly intimate) but with birth mum not engaging in letterbox contact my fear is that this will be the first time the boys hear from their mother again and it doesn't make for pretty reading.

It made me realise both the importance of letterbox contact and also the threat of social media, or rather unguarded social media in the lives of our children.

But for now - I'm back to writing platitudes...


  1. We've had letterbox and facebook stuff here too. My son's BM has his baby pictures as her profile and cover pics (pictures that I took actually when I was his FC, which feels weird!). I don't know which is worse really. I don't like to see the photos there for myself, but for my boy, at least I can tell him his BM was still thinking about him.

    1. Isn't that wierd - it must be that time of year. I can see how seeing pictures you took would be strange. I guess for us its different as birth family just have no interest... which is positive for us as parents but will probably be negative for the boys.

  2. I agree people who have children taken away are horrible people. She doesn't even care about the children she lost, perhaps she feels they were just a burden. I can understand your feelings and hope someday that the Crown Prosecution Service actually prosecutes these criminals. I feel so sad for your children and hope they forget about BM.

    1. I dont know that she's a horrible person - it would be hard to tell your children that their birth mum is horrible, they may feel that they are the same. Its a tough call. I'm just hoping she is a victim of circustance, poor education, poverty whatever. I still keep making excuses for her - but only for the sake of the boys. To be honest, they were with her too long to ever forget her - through both good times and bad....

  3. She never should have gotten pregnant the first time. Thankfully with recent court cases authorizing court ordered contraception such tragedies will be avoided in the future.

    1. I hadn't heard about court ordered contraception. wow!
      On another note though - if she hadn't have gotten pregnanat then we wouldn't have our lovely boys, they are definately not a tragedy, although I do see your point.