Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Cyber-Bullying - the title says it all!

┼┤So this week our youngest was subjected to cyber bullying.

It's not something I've ever really experienced. Of course, as adoptive parents we are extra careful around social media and attend various lectures and training regarding it's use but this is the first time it has really hit home.

Essentially, we gave both boys mobile phones for Christmas - under the strict instructions that they were not allowed social media accounts - not only because most social media companies insist on a 13 year old age limit but also because we are aware of the dangers of their being approached not only by strangers but also by birth family members. Whilst we are cute happy to eventually look for birth parents, we want to do it when the children are ready and not when one of their 'do-good' friends decides to help them - although I can easily see that happening one day in the future.

Anyway, I came down to find TJ sitting on the stairs, holding his phone and crying. I knew something was amiss.

Eventually he gave me the phone and showed me what the other children in his class were saying to him via a text messaging group. It was awful. He was a cry baby - he cried when they poked and punched him in class - he ran away. He didn't play football he played 'face-plant' when they tripped him up. He was 'a gay' - a 'real gay' - just heaps of nasty stuff.

What worried us was not only the tone of the language used and the cruelty and cold calculated way in which they pursued him - but the threats of real physical violence to him.

Remember, TJ is very small for his age, he is on 'the spectrum (don't you hate that term) and is currently starting medical investigations to look into the reasons behind all this (see previous post on the visit to the Doctor).

So we reported it to the school and they naturally investigated everything fully.

I was called in and the headteacher explained all that had been going on. That the other boys in his class had all been watching YouTube videos about 'roasting' and decided to set up a chat group entitled 'Roasters' in which they would pick on a boy (in this case TJ) and proceed to roast him... Such fun. I'm sure Kenny Rogers never thought of this when he set up the chicken restaurant!

But what was most surprising was that at the end of it all, the headteacher told us that all the children who had been 'roasting' Tyler were at a party together and... this was the bit that stunned me... they were with their parents and yet the parents didn't know anything about it - it just goes to show that we all have to watch exactly what our kids are up to when they are on their mobile devices. If kids want to make mischief, they will find a way to do it.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become an over-protective helicopter parent, hovering around making sure my kids are completely safe. We can only do our best I guess.

I don't know.

Still TJ was happy to go to school and happy to leave his phone at home!!!!!

Thursday, 2 February 2017

Doctors and Science...

So TJ's therapist has decided that now would be the right time to address his medical issues. Her feeling is that he will face questions in Secondary School and that by learning about his medical diagnosis, whatever that may be, that she will be able to work with him to 'own' it and to learn to accept it as part of who he is.

That was awfully hard to hear, let alone write it. But she is the professional and so we should respect that she knows what she is doing.

So a doctor's appointment was made and we duly went along.

I went in first to explain the situation and that we had a worry that there maybe an issue with FASD due to his early experiences, I won't put all his medical details here - but FASD is on the cards for so many adopted children that I think its ok to mention to - besides it may not even be that. The doctor listened attentively and then asked me to bring TJ in.

But, once TJ was in the room the doctor started asking me questions about his 'real parents'. I was dumbstruck. I kept referring to them as 'birth parents' but the doctor still kept on - how tall were his real parents, did I have his real parents medical history, why did he come into care in the first place?.... And he was sitting there!

Then the doctor decided to check on TJ's height and weight - using Google!!!!! I could have done that at home!

Then... and I nearly fell over - she said, "You don't have to bring him back - just by looking at him  can see that something is not right - I'll issue a letter for the specialist, pick it up next week."

AND HE WAS IN THE ROOM!!!!!!!!!!!

I was furious. We left and even before we had got back into the car TJ was in floods of tears - he was ugly, he was a midget, everyone hated him.

I don't think this is what the therapist had in mind. It certainly wasn't what I would call a good bedside manner.

As we left the doctor said, "Nice to see you again, you teach at my son's school'. I hadn't even recognised her - but now I was really uncomfortable as I don't think I can put in a complaint.

On another note, my eldest, KC, decided that tonight was the night he wanted to talk about the damage done to him by his birth family. And to question a lot of decisions that were made about his life.

I have a policy that I don't lie to the children. I may make the answers age appropriate - but if they are old enough to ask then they are old enough to know - in a kind way,  I hope.

So we sat and chatted and afterwards we had a big hug.

As I turned away he said, "Daddy..."

I looked at him lovingly.

"Daddy, can you email my science teacher and let him know that I haven't done my homework as we were having a serious chat about my 'past and my issues'.

He gave me a big grin!!!!

I had been played!!!!

So he is now sitting opposite me doing his science homework.

But, secretly, whether he has played me or not - I think he feels better for having his questions answered.