Friday 17 August 2012

A Quiet Day at Home...

... Yeah, right!!!!!!!

Our home is anything but quiet - and today has been no exception.

From the minute my little darlings arose from their flowery slumber till now it has been non-stop. I am exhausted.

I must have looked a bit knackered as when we popped into Tesco on the way back from walking the dog and terrorising small children with our scooter skills (more about that later) the assistant informed me that they had a special on Jacob's Creek Chardonnay - down to £2.49 a bottle... I swiftly put three in my basket. The assistant looked at me and the boys with a knowing smile and said, 'I thought you looked like you needed a drink - believe me those wont be on the shelf for long". From this I ascertain that: (a:) the Summer Holidays invokes a sudden growth in alcoholic parenting and (b:) that I was quite obviously within that demographic.

Whilst we were queuing our neighbour popped her head in to say that she had seen our cat - you may recall he went walkabout the minute he set eyes on Mum's asbo dog about two weeks ago. He had been sitting in her garden sunning himself. She knew it was him, probably from the way his eyes glow red - he is the devil incarnate and had we lived a couple of hundred years ago I am sure I would have been burnt as a witch for owning him - she said she would know our cat anywhere... I'm not sure what she meant by that but at least he was alive and well and living around the back of our local Indian Restaurant, or so she thinks. We shall see if he tires of curry and decides to come home - hopefull he will do it before we move or the new house owners may wake up to a nasty shock as the cat does like to sleep on Papa's head....

Back to scooterville. I agreed that as it was sunny and homework had been done we could take the kids new scooters to the park. The park was packed - not with the usual crack heads and alcoholics but with lovely families dodging the needles in the playpark. Two of the 'adorable' children had motorised scooters - yes these children were so unhealthy that they required their scooters to be battery operated... I'm not one to judge... well, actually, yes I am, but its good to see the parents using their benefits wisely and giving the children a good time while they sat on the park bench and drank cheap cider (a change from lager as it's Summer) whilst their children buzzed slowly around the park. To cap it all these two immensely overwieght little girls were also clad in what can only be described as pink tube tops and sparkly hot pants revealing their wobbly mid-riffs with purple high heeled shoes - and they can only have been about 6 or 7... sigh... the younger of the two still had her dummy in, which kept falling out as she shouted at her parents. Luckily, she was happy enough to pop it straight back in her gob each time it fell on the ground - I imagine it was helping to build her immune system....

TJ took one look at the motorised scooter and obviously saw a challenge - TJ has to win at everything (its a self esteem thing) this poor tubby child didn't stand a chance as TJ saw to it that he won every race and then scooted around her singing the 'na nanana na' theme from Horrid Henry. The little girl burst into tears and the obviously concerned father shouted from the park bench;" 'ere, stop bovering my kid" - or words to that effect... (I can't write in Chav but I have done my best). to which TJ replied, "But she's rubbish!"
The girl looked distraught, I told TJ off saying that she wasnt rubbish. "Yes, she is." he said, "She cant even scoot properly, she needs the scooter to do it for her... she's rubbish." By now the father was looking a bit angry and as he was obviously full of cider I decided that it as time for us to go - well we obviously needed to get some bread from Tesco immediately. As we left TJ shouted back over his shoulder at the little girl, "See you tomorrow." and under his breath I am sure he muttered, "Unless your batteries run out" but I couldn't swear to it.... although I'm certain the little girl would have given him a few choice words had she heard him!

Looking back, I now completely understand why the Tesco Assistant felt I was in need of cheap wine...

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